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Band 5.5

some people think money plays major role in bringing happines in life do you agree

#people #money #role #happines #life
In today's society, citizens consider that wealth plays an important role in the happiness of our
life
Fix the agreement mistake
lives
show examples
. Yes, fund is needed at every instance of our
life
 from
our
Correct pronoun usage
apply
show examples
birth to the day we die and from my point of view I
also
 think it is true that cash does affect the smiles on our faces. In the paragraph below I will elaborate my opinion for the same notion.
Firstly
, I think there are more possibilities to dream and achieve big when we have enough funds.
For example
, a study from a university in New York shows how most middle-class families spent half of their
life
 earnings paying school and college tuition fees , loans and other grocery bills.
therefore
, all
this
 creates pressure for us to do jobs we are not usually interested in.
Secondly
, we all at some point feel to have luxuries in our
life
such
 as a big house, cars, and some situations enough capital to travel around. Not necessarily for long terms but even for a
while
 these materialistic things succeed at making us happy for a fact it is
also
 one of the reasons why getting gifts makes us happy.
To conclude
this
 topic I would like to share my personal relation with money and how at most times it brings me happiness in the forms of new clothes and food
for instance
last
 week I was unhappy about something and my mom brought me patties from my favorite restaurant and that make me felt joy.
Submitted by shrivastavatanishka2003 on

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Task Response
Task Response: The essay addresses the prompt but lacks depth and clarity in presenting ideas. It needs to provide a more balanced argument and consider different perspectives.
Coherence and Cohesion
Coherence and Cohesion: The logical structure is unclear, making it difficult to follow the flow of ideas. The introduction and conclusion are present, but the essay lacks clear organization of main points and supporting details.
Lexical Resource
Lexical Resource: The vocabulary and word choice are limited, and there is a lack of variety in expressing ideas. Use a wider range of vocabulary to enhance the essay's quality.
Grammatical Range
Grammatical Range: There are several grammatical errors, including tense inconsistencies and sentence structure issues. Focus on using a variety of sentence structures and maintaining grammatical accuracy.

Fully explain your ideas

To get an excellent score in the IELTS Task 2 writing section, one of the easiest and most effective tips is structuring your writing in the most solid format. A great argument essay structure may be divided to four paragraphs, in which comprises of four sentences (excluding the conclusion paragraph, which comprises of three sentences).

For we to consider an essay structure a great one, it should be looking like this:

  • Paragraph 1 - Introduction
    • Sentence 1 - Background statement
    • Sentence 2 - Detailed background statement
    • Sentence 3 - Thesis
    • Sentence 4 - Outline sentence
  • Paragraph 2 - First supporting paragraph
    • Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
    • Sentence 2 - Example
    • Sentence 3 - Discussion
    • Sentence 4 - Conclusion
  • Paragraph 3 - Second supporting paragraph
    • Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
    • Sentence 2 - Example
    • Sentence 3 - Discussion
    • Sentence 4 - Conclusion
  • Paragraph 4 - Conclusion
    • Sentence 1 - Summary
    • Sentence 2 - Restatement of thesis
    • Sentence 3 - Prediction or recommendation

Our recommended essay structure above comprises of fifteen (15) sentences, which will make your essay approximately 250 to 275 words.

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