IELTS Writing Correction Service /
Writing Samples /
Band 5

Some parents think children should have mobile phones, others disagree. Discuss both sides and give your opinion.

#parents #children #phones
The ever-evolving state of technology comes with mass market adoption that
have
Change the verb form
has
show examples
 allowed itself to be accessible to anyone of all ages, including
children
.
This
 level of mass adoption
as well as
proliferation
Add an article
the proliferation
a proliferation
show examples
 of technological capabilities moves at a speed
that is
 forced to be reckoned with, and
due to
this
, some well-meaning
parents
 are of the opinion that
children
 should have
a
Remove the article
apply
show examples
limited
access
 to the use of mobile phones,
while
 the rest have no qualms about their
children
 owning the very same device.
Parents
 who are against the idea of
children
 having ownership of their own mobile phones have well-meaning intentions. It is usually
due to
trust
, not because they don't
trust
 their
children
, but simply
that
Correct word choice
because
show examples
 they do not
trust
 what the internet has to offer
for
Change preposition
apply
show examples
them. Technology embedded in mobile phones, in its purest form, is a state of
art
Add an article
the art
show examples
 device that allows people to connect to people across
geopgraphical
Correct your spelling
geographical
 boundaries and look up information in a
milisecond
Correct your spelling
millisecond
 that one would likely not encounter as easily in the libraries. But it would be naive to not
also
Rephrase
apply
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acknowledge the dangers of
this
 much accessibility through the touch of your fingertips
such
 as misleading information,
exposure
 to adult content, and a mix of other contents that kids are better off not knowing at that stage of their life. It should be said that as with all dangers,
exposure
 to
these
Correct determiner usage
this
show examples
 content and information is perfectly mitigatable, with the right precaution and adult supervision. The need for constant direct safeguarding and physical monitoring is exactly why some
parents
 are reluctant to assign these rectangular devices for their
children
 to have complete
access
 and freedom
for
Change preposition
apply
show examples
.
However
, on the
flipside
Correct your spelling
flip side
show examples
 of things, there is another demography of
parents
 who allow
such
 devices to be owned by
children
. Often deemed as a callous choice, the decision to provide
one's
Change preposition
for one's
show examples
children
are
Correct subject-verb agreement
is
show examples
 usually based
off of
Change preposition
on
show examples
 the fact that the
parents
trust
 that their
children
 will be able to learn and be more agile by virtue of
exposure
. By providing their
children
 with the platform to explore and see for themselves,
as well as
 with appropriate safeguarding, little by little it is the parent's hope that their kids will be able to independently course through their life and self-correct their life trajectory from a self-developed ability to tell right from wrong. And from
this
 judgment, what might seem like
a
Remove the article
apply
show examples
tactless counterintuitive parenting could actually be productive in allowing
children
 to learn the ropes by themselves. All in all, regardless if a parent chooses to provide their
children
access
 to mobile devices or not is merely a question of how little or much safeguarding is necessary when it comes to technological
exposure
 for their
offsprings
Fix the agreement mistake
offspring
show examples
. I am of the opinion that
at
Change preposition
in
show examples
this
 day and age,
children
 who have developed the ability to read, speak, and comprehend other people's words should be allowed the privilege of owning a mobile phone. Especially with the inherent safeguards that a lot of technological developers have put in place in their respective
system
Fix the agreement mistake
systems
show examples
, technology can arguably provide
children
access
 to more good than harm.
Submitted by sarahlumbanraja on

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task response
The essay provides a comprehensive response to the task, covering both sides of the argument and presenting a clear opinion. The ideas are well-developed and supported with relevant examples.
coherence cohesion
The logical structure of the essay is strong, with clear introduction and conclusion. The ideas are well-connected throughout, but some areas could benefit from improved coherence through better transitions and logical flow.
lexical resource
The essay demonstrates a good range of vocabulary and uses language effectively to express ideas. To improve, consider using more varied and sophisticated vocabulary to enhance the overall lexical resource.
grammatical range
The grammatical range in the essay is strong, with a good mix of simple and complex sentence structures. However, pay attention to subject-verb agreement and use of appropriate verb forms in certain sentences for improved accuracy.

Include an introduction and conclusion

A conclusion is essential for IELTS writing task 2. It is more important than most people realise. You will be penalised for missing a conclusion in your IELTS essay.

The easiest paragraph to write in an essay is the conclusion paragraph. This is because the paragraph mostly contains information that has already been presented in the essay – it is just the repetition of some information written in the introduction paragraph and supporting paragraphs.

The conclusion paragraph only has 3 sentences:

  • Summary
  • Restatement of thesis
  • Prediction or recommendation

Example:

To summarize, a robotic teacher does not have the necessary disciple to properly give instructions to students and actually works to retard the ability of a student to comprehend new lessons. Therefore, it is clear that the idea of running a classroom completely by a machine cannot be supported. After thorough analysis on this subject, it is predicted that the adverse effects of the debate over technology-driven teaching will always be greater than the positive effects, and because of this, classroom teachers will never be substituted for technology.

Start your conclusion with a linking phrase. Here are some examples:

  • In conclusion
  • To conclude
  • To summarize
  • Finally
  • In a nutshell
  • In general

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