The bar chart below shows the number of employed persons by job type and sex for Australia last year.

#bar #persons #job #type #sex #australia #year

The bar chart compares the figure of employed Australians in terms of work type and sex in the previous year.

Overall

, among the seven job categories, Clerical and Tradespeople were among the highest job

preference

Fix the agreement mistake

preferences

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by Australians

last

year. It is noticeable that in most of the given work industries, more

men

were working compared to women.

It is clear that

clerical jobs were most famous in Australia, it is accounted for the highest number of workers in

female

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females

show examples

at almost 1000, and

second

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the second

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highest figure in

men

at roughly 880.

While

most of the Australian

men

were into trading

last

year (900), exactly 400 were working as

laborers

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labourers

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. Looking closely at the details, there was a huge difference between

men

and women working in managerial, trade market, and production positions in Australia. Perhaps trading saw the most significant gap, the figure of female

trader

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traders

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was eight

time

Change to a plural noun

times

show examples

smaller than that of male traders, 100 and 900 respectively.

While

managerial

Add an article

the managerial

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position was twofold higher in

men

at 600, about 550

men

were in production companies and

female

Fix the agreement mistake

females

show examples

were just 100.

Furthermore

, the number of Australians who worked as professionals

were

Correct subject-verb agreement

was

show examples

almost similar with 650 males and 700 females.

Submitted by sheenasedeno on Sat Nov 11 2023

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Linking words: Don't use the same linking words: "last, while".

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Vocabulary: Replace the words men with synonyms.

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Vocabulary: The word "compares" was used 2 times.

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Vocabulary: The word "figure" was used 3 times.

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Vocabulary: The word "number of" was used 2 times.

▼

Vocabulary: The word "almost" was used 2 times.

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5Linking words
meeting the goal of 7 or more
1Word repetition
meeting the goal of 3 or fewer
9Grammar mistakes
 

4 paragraphs

198 words

6.00

Overall Band Score

Coherence and Cohesion: 7.0

Logical structure

Single idea per paragraph

Introduction & conclusion present

Accurate linking words

Variety in linking words

Lexical resource: 4.0

Varied vocabulary

Accurate spelling & word formation

Grammatical Range: 4.0

Mix of complex & simple sentences

Clear and correct grammar

Task Achievement: 9.0

Complete response

Suitable writing tone

Appropriate word count

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