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Band 3

Some people think that children should be raised by all the family members (e.g. Uncle, Aunt, and grandparents) rather than only parents. Give yopinion.

#people #children #members #e #g #uncle #aunt #grandparents #parents #yopinion
Nowadays, most pupils believe joint families ‘children achieve their dream goals rather than only staying with their
parents
. I am going to base my opinion on
this
 discussion with examples
through
Change preposition
throughout
show examples
this
 essay.
To begin
 with, once upon a time, whole children were growing up with not only their
parents
 but
also
 with their uncles, aunts, and grandparents. During that time, they recovered the new technologies needed and found their essential things.
Instaance
Correct your spelling
Instance
, Thomas Alva
Edisan
Correct your spelling
Edison
, had found out the gravity of Earth.
In addition
, the Bright brothers had found an aeroplane. That's when they stayed with full satisfaction for living, consuming food
,
Remove the comma
apply
show examples
 and developing students with goals.
On the other hand
,
currently
Add a comma
currently,
show examples
 most of the students live with their
parents
 only; that’s not good for their confidentiality, supportiveness, and communication skills, and some students have no goals; they study only for their father and mother's pushes. For
this
 nature, how could they achieve their future career with bright lights? Rare teenagers live with big families; they have been going down their unbreakable career path. Now some scientists and inventors have been created. In
this
 essay, we analyse whether the child lives with their
parents
 only or with their
parents
, uncles, aunts, and grandparents, with some examples.
Submitted by pkobiga on

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coherence cohesion
The essay lacks a clear structure and organization. Work on providing a more coherent and well-connected argument.
coherence cohesion
The introduction and conclusion are not clearly presented. Make sure to clearly introduce and summarize your main points.
task achievement
The essay provides some examples but lacks depth and relevance. Include more specific and relevant examples to support your points.

Fully explain your ideas

To get an excellent score in the IELTS Task 2 writing section, one of the easiest and most effective tips is structuring your writing in the most solid format. A great argument essay structure may be divided to four paragraphs, in which comprises of four sentences (excluding the conclusion paragraph, which comprises of three sentences).

For we to consider an essay structure a great one, it should be looking like this:

  • Paragraph 1 - Introduction
    • Sentence 1 - Background statement
    • Sentence 2 - Detailed background statement
    • Sentence 3 - Thesis
    • Sentence 4 - Outline sentence
  • Paragraph 2 - First supporting paragraph
    • Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
    • Sentence 2 - Example
    • Sentence 3 - Discussion
    • Sentence 4 - Conclusion
  • Paragraph 3 - Second supporting paragraph
    • Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
    • Sentence 2 - Example
    • Sentence 3 - Discussion
    • Sentence 4 - Conclusion
  • Paragraph 4 - Conclusion
    • Sentence 1 - Summary
    • Sentence 2 - Restatement of thesis
    • Sentence 3 - Prediction or recommendation

Our recommended essay structure above comprises of fifteen (15) sentences, which will make your essay approximately 250 to 275 words.

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