IELTS Writing Correction Service
Writing Samples
Band 4

In many countries, people are now living longer than ever before. Some people say an ageing population creates problems for governments. Other people think there are benefits if society has more elderly people. To what extent do the advantages of having an ageing population outweigh the disadvantages? Give reasons for your answer and include any relevant examples from your own knowledge or experience.

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People
Use synonyms
 live expectation increases
at
Change preposition
in
show examples
present
Add an article
the present
show examples
 day in
which
Correct pronoun usage
apply
show examples
many
people
Use synonyms
 argue that it adds more
problem
Fix the agreement mistake
problems
show examples
,
while
Linking Words
others
Correct quantifier usage
other
show examples
people
Use synonyms
 think the opposite. I posit that the
advantages
Add a verb
advantages are
advantages were
show examples
 unable
surpass
Fix the infinitive
to surpass
show examples
 the merits. On the one hand, if the number of elderly
people
Use synonyms
 continuously
growth
Replace the word
grows
show examples
, the governments would be bearing on hospital prices
due to
Linking Words
 an inadequate the old
people
Use synonyms
 to pay off.
Thus
Linking Words
, the governments should allocate more funding every year
whereas
Linking Words
 that funding can be used for
the
Correct article usage
apply
show examples
other matters related to education
for example
Linking Words
. I consider that when
its
Change the word
this
show examples
 phenomenon is ignored, the grant for
the
Correct article usage
apply
show examples
elderly health will take more than 20% of national funding
in
Change preposition
apply
show examples
yearly.
On the other hand
Linking Words
, it is
hardly
Change the word
hard
show examples
 to be
developed
Change preposition
in developed
show examples
countries
Use synonyms
 when there are many old
people
Use synonyms
.
This
Linking Words
 happens caused by an inadequate the old
people
Use synonyms
to
Fix the infinitive
apply
show examples
produce money, whilst they depend on their relatives. In
term
Fix the agreement mistake
terms
show examples
 of being developed
countries
Use synonyms
, the governments should have higher "GDP". Even though
,
Remove the comma
apply
show examples
 some elderly
people
Use synonyms
 can
cost
Verb problem
save
show examples
 their
life
Fix the agreement mistake
lives
show examples
 independently,
but
Correct word choice
apply
show examples
it is a small number compared to others.
Linking Words
This
Change the determiner
These
show examples
 problems suffocate societies because they pay taxes more.
For example
Linking Words
,
people
Use synonyms
 who actively work must pay
tax
Fix the agreement mistake
taxes
show examples
 regularly
whereas
Linking Words
 it is used to cover the other unproductive
citizens
Change to a genitive case
citizen's
citizens'
show examples
 issues.
In
Change preposition
As
show examples
Correct article usage
a consequences
show examples
consequences
Fix the agreement mistake
consequence
show examples
, the more number of elderly
people
Use synonyms
 in some
countries
Use synonyms
 climbs , the more amount taxes the government takes. In conclusion, having more elderly
people
Use synonyms
 only
produce
Correct subject-verb agreement
produces
show examples
 more problems for
government
Correct article usage
the government
show examples
 not only bearing more in hospital price matters but
also
Linking Words
 disclosing for being developed
countries
Use synonyms
. To suggest, workers of companies should consist of 20% elderly
people
Use synonyms
 aiming to reduce unproductive population.

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introduction
It is essential to clearly present your position on the topic. The essay lacks a clear introduction that outlines the points to be discussed, which is necessary for a structured argument. Make sure to include an introduction that clearly states your thesis and outlines your main arguments.
logical structure
Work on developing a clear and logical structure. Each paragraph should contain one main idea with supporting details. Paragraphs in this essay sometimes tackle multiple ideas without clear separation, which can confuse the reader.
cohesion
To improve coherence, ensure each paragraph flows logically from one to the next. Use linking words and phrases to connect ideas and paragraphs to each other. This essay needs more transitional phrases to guide the reader through the argument.
supported main points
Include clear topic sentences at the beginning of each paragraph to introduce the main point. Develop each point with explanations or examples that relate directly to the topic. Some sentences in this essay introduce ideas that are not fully explained or supported.
task response
To fully respond to the task, you must fully address all parts of the prompt. Make sure to examine both the advantages and disadvantages of the ageing population and to offer a balanced discussion.
clear comprehensive ideas
Develop your ideas clearly and thoroughly. Instead of presenting the arguments abruptly, take time to explain how each point relates to the topic and develop it with specific examples or evidence. Avoid general or vague statements.
specific examples
Use relevant and specific examples to support your points. Personal or hypothetical examples are acceptable, as long as they clearly illustrate your argument. This essay contains some examples but they are not clearly connected to the arguments.
Topic Vocabulary:
  • ageing population
  • benefits
  • disadvantages
  • advantages
  • experience
  • knowledge
  • contribution
  • economy
  • society
  • healthcare
  • youth employment
  • community
  • intergenerational support
  • volunteerism
  • mentorship
  • increased demand
  • pension costs
  • social welfare systems
  • workforce
  • productivity
  • intergenerational conflict
  • technological adaptability
  • dependency
  • effective
  • skill development
  • employment opportunities
  • intergenerational solidarity
  • communication
  • lifelong learning
  • technological literacy
  • age-friendly
  • social policies
  • infrastructure
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