IELTS Writing Correction Service
Writing Samples
Band 4

In some countries an increasing number of people are suffering from health problems as a results od eating too much fast food. It is therefore necessary for government to impose a higher tax on this kind of food

#countries #people #health #results #od #food #government #tax
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Nowadays, the development of cities
become
Wrong verb form
is becoming
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 faster and
fatser
Correct your spelling
faster
, meanwhile,
people
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 used to eat fast
food
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 to
higer
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higher
 their working
effeciency
Correct your spelling
efficiency
 as
people
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 can finish their lunch
whithin
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within
 15 minutes.
However
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, fast
food
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 is not good for
human's
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human
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health
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 and it may cause several
health
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 problems.
As a result
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, the higher rax rating of
government
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the government
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 is said.
This
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 essay will show my point of
views
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view
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.
First,
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imposing a higher
tax
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 can reduce the frequency of
people
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 buying fast
food
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.
People
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 are not willing to purchase any stuff
that is
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 more expensive than they expected. After the higher
tax
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 rating, the price of fast
food
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 will be increased based on the original price.
People
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mat
Correct your spelling
may
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 tend to have
anyother
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other
type
Fix the agreement mistake
types
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 of
food
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 rather than
spending a not
Verb problem
spend
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 suitable money to buy
the
Correct article usage
apply
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fast
food
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.
Therefore
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, imposing a higher
tax
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 can reduce the
frequeny
Correct your spelling
frequency
 of
people
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 buying fast
food
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,
due to
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this
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 reason, the
health
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 of
people
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 will
be improve
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be improved
show examples
.
On the other hand
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, it can
also
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redue
Correct your spelling
reduce
 the number of
fast
Add a hyphen
fast-food
show examples
food
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Use synonyms
shop
Fix the agreement mistake
shops
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. In order to run a
shop
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, a large amount of capital should be used on the land renting,
cost
Correct article usage
the cost
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 of raw materials and the cost of hiring workers. Under the higher
tax
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of
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on
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 fast
food
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, the
shop
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 owner may not want to spend more extra money, so, they will not make the choice of opening a fast
food
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shop
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. It implies that
this
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 policy can effectively reduce the number of fast
food
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Use synonyms
shop
Fix the agreement mistake
shops
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.
Therefore
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,
people
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 may have
less
Change the quantifier
fewer
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 opportunities to find a fast
food
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shop
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 and have
a
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apply
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dinning
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dining
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.
Due to
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 the less of eating fast
food
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, the
health
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 of
people
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 will
also
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be improve
Change the verb form
be improved
show examples
.
To sum up
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,
although
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people
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 are hoping to have
a
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apply
show examples
only short
dinning
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dining
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 in their breaking time, and keep working, it is impossible that they can still work in a negative
health
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 situation. There is nothing more important than
people
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's
health
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, imposing a higher
tax
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 can help to solve the
health
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 problem.
Therefore
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, I strongly
agree
Add the preposition
agree on
agree to
agree with
show examples
this
Linking Words
arguement
Correct your spelling
argument
.
Submitted by asllchkied on

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Task Achievement
The essay lacks a clear response to the task question. It should address the necessity for government imposition of a higher tax on fast food and argue the reasons for or against it.
Coherence & Cohesion
The logical structure of the essay is weak. The paragraphs lack proper development and coherence, resulting in a lack of clear progression of ideas. A more organized approach to the essay's structure is needed.
Lexical Resource
The lexical resource is limited. There is a need for a wider range of vocabulary to express ideas more clearly and effectively.
Grammatical Range
The grammatical range is limited. There are numerous grammatical errors throughout the essay, affecting the overall clarity and coherence of the writing.

Support ideas with relevant, specific examples

Examples make your writing easier to understand by illustrating points more effectively.

Examples, if used properly, not only help you get higher marks for ‘Task Response’ but also for ‘Coherence’.

When giving examples it is best to put them after your main idea or topic sentence. They can be used in the middle of supporting sentences or they can be used to start a new sentence. There is no rule for where exactly to give examples in essays, logically they would come after your main idea/topic sentence or just after a supporting sentence.

Linking words for giving examples:

  • for example
  • for instance
  • to illustrate this
  • to give a clear example
  • such as
  • namely
  • to illustrate
  • take, for example

Discover more tips in The Ultimate Guide to Get a Target Band Score of 7+ »— a book that's free for 🚀 Premium users.

Topic Vocabulary:
  • health problems
  • fast food consumption
  • higher tax
  • discourage
  • government intervention
  • tax revenue
  • health promotion programs
  • education and awareness campaigns
  • negative effects
  • healthcare
  • fast food companies
  • healthier options
  • offset the cost
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