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Band 5

Childhood obesity is becoming a serious problem in many countries. Explain the main causes and effects of this problem.

#childhood #obesity #countries #effects
In
this
 day and age,
people
 must face many health problems on a daily basis. Among them,
obesity
 is the headed topic.
This
 essay will clarify the roots and negative influence of
this
 issue.
To begin
 with, there are many reasons that lead to
obesity
. One of the main roots is the change in the eating habit. In the past,
people
 usually prepared meals at home full of nutrients.
However
, in
this
 period,
people
 are so busy, they often spend 12 hours a day at work. Workers do not have much time to cook at home.
Hence
, plenty of
people
 choose to buy fast food,
such
 as: hamburgers, kfc,…
This
 food often contains high sugar and fat which leads to lost control weight. Bad eating habits have a negative effect on
people
's health. It increases risk of diseases
such
 as: hyperlipidemia, diabetes type 2,…
Besides
, the development of technology is a source of
obesity
. After time stress for work,
people
 often find a way to relax like online games or TV programs. All things which lead to a reduced active body in humans. Calories intake is higher than calories output.
That is
 the reason why weight increases quickly.
However
, lack of exercise will cause
people
 to suffer from muscle and joint diseases
such
 as pain or osteoarthritis.
As a result
,
people
 with
obesity
 are at higher risk of other diseases than
people
 without
obesity
. Patients will
also
 have low self-esteem about themselves and their appearance, making life difficult for them. In conclusion, there are two main roots that lead to
obesity
 are change the eating habit and the development of technology. Overweight make a person susceptible to myriad of health issues and lost confidence in life.
Submitted by teachingqa272 on

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Task Response
Task response: The essay partially addresses the causes and effects of childhood obesity. There is a need to develop the points more fully and provide a clear stance on the issue.
Coherence and Cohesion
Coherence and Cohesion: The logical structure is somewhat coherent, but the essay lacks a clear introduction and conclusion. The supported main points need more development and organization to enhance coherence.
Lexical Resource
Lexical resource: The essay demonstrates a range of vocabulary, but there are instances of inaccurate word choice and awkward phrasing that affect clarity and precision. More varied and appropriate vocabulary is needed.
Grammatical Range
Grammatical range: The essay exhibits a mix of simple and complex structures, but there are frequent errors in sentence structure, verb tense, and subject-verb agreement. More grammatical accuracy and complexity is required.

Support ideas with relevant, specific examples

Examples make your writing easier to understand by illustrating points more effectively.

Examples, if used properly, not only help you get higher marks for ‘Task Response’ but also for ‘Coherence’.

When giving examples it is best to put them after your main idea or topic sentence. They can be used in the middle of supporting sentences or they can be used to start a new sentence. There is no rule for where exactly to give examples in essays, logically they would come after your main idea/topic sentence or just after a supporting sentence.

Linking words for giving examples:

  • for example
  • for instance
  • to illustrate this
  • to give a clear example
  • such as
  • namely
  • to illustrate
  • take, for example

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