IELTS Writing Correction Service /
Writing Samples /
Band 4.5

Children nowadays are experiencing health issues, which were previously believed to be exclusive to adults. Obesity, a significant health problem, is widespread among young individuals. What are its causes and what solutions can be offered? Give reasons for your answer and include any relevant examples from your own knowledge or experience.

#children #health #adults #obesity #individuals
At present,
obesity
 is one of the major health
challenge
Change to a plural noun
challenges
show examples
 to adolescents,
moreover
, in the past decades people thought that
,
Remove the comma
apply
show examples
 that disease
it's
Verb problem
was
show examples
 only for adulthood.
However
, personally, I believe that children become obese
due to
 eating sugary and fast foods and
government
Correct article usage
the government
show examples
 should impose clear restrictions
of
Change preposition
on
show examples
 not allowing humans to eat
such
 food. First of all,
young
Add an article
the young
a young
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 generation is the
most
Fix the agreement mistake
apply
show examples
age group who is in danger
to
Change preposition
of
show examples
obesity
, because some of them,
they
Correct pronoun usage
apply
show examples
don't have time to prepare food at their homesteads because of studies.
Hence
, they prefer to buy fast foods during break and lunch time and even super which can cause sickness in their lives.An example to illustrate, that would be my fellow colleagues, they order
McDonalds
Change noun form
Mcdonald's
Mcdonalds'
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 at least twice
in
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apply
show examples
a day and two of them have big
tummy
Fix the agreement mistake
tummies
show examples
 which shows that they are obese.To avoid
this
,the state must increase taxes and
price
Fix the agreement mistake
prices
show examples
 in restaurants
such
 as Burger
Kings
Fix the agreement mistake
King
show examples
 and KFC to reduce
spreading
Correct article usage
the spreading
show examples
 of
obesity
and
Correct word choice
apply
show examples
unfortunately
Add a comma
unfortunately,
show examples
 their prices are cheaper than that for traditional meals To add on,recently children are
also
 growing up eating sweet snacks,
for
example
Add a comma
example,
show examples
 chocolates,sweets and drinking cola which can give rise to diabetic illness.
Furthermore
,
for instance
, our neighbour's daughter,
she
Correct pronoun usage
apply
show examples
is sixteen old,
when
Correct word choice
and when
show examples
 she is crying her mother will give her
lolpop
Correct your spelling
lollipop
lollypop
 to stop her weeping,
therefore
, the life of young society is at risk of sugary diseases.Parents should educate their toddlers without fear, for them to take healthy and traditional eatables and be aware of side effects in the long run.
To conclude
, I believe that young individuals , nowadays are experiencing
obesity
 problems which were for adults in the past,
therefore
,
this
 is
due to
lack
Correct article usage
a lack
show examples
 of knowledge and they
are
Unnecessary verb
apply
show examples
ought to
changing
Wrong verb form
change their
show examples
 eating habits.
Submitted by cajaah93 on

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task response
Address all parts of the task
coherence cohesion
Develop your ideas logically and coherently
lexical resource
Expand your range of vocabulary and use appropriate words
grammatical range
Work on using a wider range of sentence structures and grammatical forms

Use a variety of complex and simple sentences

You should use complex sentences in your writing, but it does not mean that you should try to make all of our sentences complex.

‘Complex’ sentences are not actually very complex; they are just two or more simple sentences put together. Putting them together makes the essay more coherent and cohesive.

Examples:

I really want to study but I’m too tired.

I wore a warm coat because the weather was cold.

If action is not taken soon on climate change, global warming will get worse.

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