IELTS Writing Correction Service /
Writing Samples /
Band 2.5

Some people say that music is a good way of bringing people of different cultures and ages together to what extent do you agree or disagree with this opinion?

#people #music #cultures #ages
These days one of the biggest topics in modern society that
music
connect
Correct subject-verb agreement
connects
show examples
people
 of all age groups and cultures together,
while
others
Correct quantifier usage
other
show examples
people
 do not support the idea that
music
 brings close to one another.In my opinion it agreed with
this
 statement
music
 develops a sense of connection between
people
.
Firstly
music
 has the power to unite
human
Fix the agreement mistake
humans
show examples
effectively as long as of the universal message it has,
such
 as love and peace.
Furthermore
Add a comma
Furthermore,
show examples
music
 has the power to promote cross-cultural understanding and acceptance.
Different
Change preposition
With different
show examples
 musical genres and traditions,
people
 can gain a deeper appreciation for other cultures and ways of life. Thanks to
such
 situations,
contacts
Fix the agreement mistake
contact
show examples
 between
people
become
Correct subject-verb agreement
becomes
show examples
 better.139
In
addition
Add a comma
addition,
show examples
 the relationship between
people
 depends it can be defined through
music
. They may like the same genre, or they may like
music
 in the same language. Even
people
 from other countries help me get along well.
it
Capitalize word
It
show examples
 leads up to
build
Wrong verb form
building
show examples
a better inter-personal and intra-personal relationships
Correct the article-noun agreement
better inter-personal and intra-personal relationships
a better inter-personal and intra-personal relationship
show examples
 all over the world.
Also
Add a comma
Also,
show examples
Music
 can help to understand each other through feelings between
closed
Replace the word
close
show examples
people
. when we listen to
music
, we feel a sense of serene and tranquillity In conclusion despite having differences
Change preposition
in
show examples
of
Change preposition
in
show examples
 cultures and age, a person
Correct subject-verb agreement
has
show examples
have
Correct subject-verb agreement
has
show examples
 developed the understanding level to a certain stage by knowing others through the medium of
music
 independently
Correct word choice
apply
show examples
And
Correct word choice
apply
show examples
this
 opinion is supported by everyone
Submitted by marina.parmenova on

Unauthorized use and/or duplication of this material without express and written permission from this site’s author and/or owner is strictly prohibited. Excerpts and links may be used, provided that full and clear credit is given to Writing9 with appropriate and specific direction to the original content.

coherence cohesion
Improve your logical structure by organizing your ideas more clearly.
coherence cohesion
Your introduction and conclusion need improvement in order to better address the task.
task achievement
You need to include more relevant and specific examples to support your main points.

Fully explain your ideas

To get an excellent score in the IELTS Task 2 writing section, one of the easiest and most effective tips is structuring your writing in the most solid format. A great argument essay structure may be divided to four paragraphs, in which comprises of four sentences (excluding the conclusion paragraph, which comprises of three sentences).

For we to consider an essay structure a great one, it should be looking like this:

  • Paragraph 1 - Introduction
    • Sentence 1 - Background statement
    • Sentence 2 - Detailed background statement
    • Sentence 3 - Thesis
    • Sentence 4 - Outline sentence
  • Paragraph 2 - First supporting paragraph
    • Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
    • Sentence 2 - Example
    • Sentence 3 - Discussion
    • Sentence 4 - Conclusion
  • Paragraph 3 - Second supporting paragraph
    • Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
    • Sentence 2 - Example
    • Sentence 3 - Discussion
    • Sentence 4 - Conclusion
  • Paragraph 4 - Conclusion
    • Sentence 1 - Summary
    • Sentence 2 - Restatement of thesis
    • Sentence 3 - Prediction or recommendation

Our recommended essay structure above comprises of fifteen (15) sentences, which will make your essay approximately 250 to 275 words.

Discover more tips in The Ultimate Guide to Get a Target Band Score of 7+ »— a book that's free for 🚀 Premium users.

Topic Vocabulary:
  • universal language
  • evoke
  • connect
  • diverse audiences
  • cultural exchange
  • generational gaps
  • shared experiences
  • unifying force
What to do next:
Look at other essays: