IELTS Writing Correction Service /
Writing Samples /
Band 3.5

Few people devote time to hobbies nowadays. Say why you think this is the case and what effect this has on the individual and society in general. Give reasons for your answer and include any relevant examples from your own knowledge or experience.

#people #time #hobbies #case #effect #society
the arrival of the modernization era makes
people
 reach a sense of urgency. As you can see, every morning a lot of individuals hurry to their work, and the traffic jams are a normal situation.
this
 is
Correct article usage
the reasons
show examples
reasons
Fix the agreement mistake
reason
show examples
 that make the member of the community
hard
Correct word choice
apply
show examples
to meet their free
time
.
this
 raises problems not only for individuals but
also
 for the overview of
society
. I will elaborate on my opinions in the following paragraphs.
Firstly
, the impact on the individual. Nowadays,
this
 is the era of competition that forces everyone to hurry up.
People
 do not have
time
 to do activities that they want to do because they need to devote more
time
 to their main work.
for example
, someone has been working in the company for a long
time
, after work on
time
 but they have a multitude of
assignment
Fix the agreement mistake
assignments
show examples
 and they must take it to finish at home, they
finally
 don'
t
 have
time
 to do any hobbies at home.
Secondly
, the effect on the overview of
society
. As we can see, recently,
people
 spent plenty of
time
 working,
this
 makes them very busy and don'
t
 have
time
 to run any activities that contribute benefits for the community or charity.
Moreover
, the crucial thing is
people
 don'
t
 have
time
 to look after their family members.
for
Capitalize word
For
show examples
 instance, numerous parents can not spend
time
 with their children which is very important to institute a family's duty in
society
.
this
 can stimulate several problems in
society
 because when children can'
t
 receive love or attention from their families they are more likely to do evil actions. In conclusion,
people
 don'
t
 have
time
 for hobbies and any activities that they want to do.
this
 can have a huge impact not only on the individual but
also
 on the overview of our
society
.
Submitted by mahawichet on

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coherence cohesion
The logical structure of the essay is somewhat unclear. Ensure that each paragraph focuses on a single main idea and that there is a clear introduction, body, and conclusion.
coherence cohesion
The greeting and closing are lacking and do not provide a clear introduction or conclusion to the essay.
coherence cohesion
The essay lacks a clear organization of ideas which impacts coherence and cohesion. Try to use transition words and phrases to improve the flow of the essay.
task achievement
The essay partially responds to the task, but the arguments are not fully developed. Clear and specific examples are needed to support the main points effectively.
task achievement
The writing tone is somewhat inappropriate for an academic essay. Aim for a more formal and neutral writing style.

Use a variety of complex and simple sentences

You should use complex sentences in your writing, but it does not mean that you should try to make all of our sentences complex.

‘Complex’ sentences are not actually very complex; they are just two or more simple sentences put together. Putting them together makes the essay more coherent and cohesive.

Examples:

I really want to study but I’m too tired.

I wore a warm coat because the weather was cold.

If action is not taken soon on climate change, global warming will get worse.

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Topic Vocabulary:
  • Devote time
  • Hobbies
  • Nowadays
  • Busy
  • Fast-paced
  • Lifestyles
  • Work and career
  • Technology
  • Digital entertainment
  • Limited
  • Free time
  • Lack of motivation
  • Mental wellbeing
  • Physical wellbeing
  • Decreased
  • Social interactions
  • Creativity
  • Self-expression
  • Negative effects
  • Society
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