IELTS Writing Correction Service /
Writing Samples /
Band 4

In some countries, young people are living in richer and healthier condition but less happy. What are the reasons? What might be done to solve this issue?

#countries #people #condition
Nowadays, some folk
claims
Correct subject-verb agreement
claim
show examples
 that
young
Correct article usage
the young
show examples
 generation
have
Change the verb form
has
show examples
 a
wealth
Replace the word
wealthy
show examples
life
 and
live
Correct subject-verb agreement
lives
show examples
 in really great conditions but a lack of luckiness
make
Correct subject-verb agreement
makes
show examples
 their
life
 unsuccessful. The main reason for
this
 is that social
medias
Correct your spelling
media
show examples
 destroy their
life
 and
spend
Wrong verb form
spending
show examples
 more
time
 with close
people
 is a viable solution. One of the widely discussed issues nowadays is that even young
people
 very rich and live in benevolent conditions have a lack of happiness because of social
medias
Correct your spelling
media
show examples
 where
people
 acquire
sense
Add an article
a sense
show examples
 of happiness from it but not from real
life
 and it
destroy
Change the verb form
destroys
show examples
 their
dophamine
Correct your spelling
dopamine
 system .
For instance
, if they
will
Verb problem
apply
show examples
eat
very
Add an article
a very
show examples
 yummy meal,
such
 as chocolate, it will give them natural
dophamine
Correct your spelling
dopamine
,
whereas
 social
medias
Correct your spelling
media
show examples
 will give
themselves
Correct pronoun usage
them
show examples
dophamine
Correct your spelling
dopamine
 for a couple of
time
Fix the agreement mistake
times
show examples
 and it can badly
affected
Change the verb form
affect
be affected
show examples
on
Change preposition
apply
show examples
their well-being. A primary example of
this
students
Add a missing verb
is students
show examples
 from the USA,
which
Fix the agreement mistake
who
show examples
 spend all of their
time
 watching Instagram and
as a result
 they
had
Wrong verb form
have
show examples
a issues
Correct the article-noun agreement
issues
an issue
show examples
 with their mental health. The most practical solution to
this
 is that abandon watching social
medias
 and spend most of the
time
 with family
due to
 the fact that they will support emotionally
people
 and when folk will
be
Wrong verb form
are
show examples
 near close
people
 it might give them a sense of enjoyment because family play a key role in human's
life
.
For example
, if they
will be
Wrong verb form
are
show examples
 near family, they will not be alone and they will be more happy. Recent
reseacrh
Correct your spelling
research
 found that over half of
population
Correct article usage
the population
show examples
 who was rich but felt less happy increased their productivity and were happy because of
family
Add an article
the family
a family
show examples
 who
aid
Wrong verb form
aided
show examples
themselves
Correct pronoun usage
them
show examples
 in
the
Correct article usage
apply
show examples
difficult
time
. In conclusion,
obtain
Wrong verb form
obtaining
show examples
wealthy
Correct article usage
a wealthy
show examples
life
 and
do
Verb problem
apply
show examples
not
be
Wrong verb form
being
show examples
 happy
it
Correct pronoun usage
apply
show examples
is
real
Add an article
a real
show examples
 mistake and to prevent it most
people
 should follow
examples
Correct article usage
the examples
show examples
 of other public,
such
 as
abandon to watch
Wrong verb form
abandoning watching
show examples
 social
medias
Correct your spelling
media
show examples
 and
be spend
Wrong verb form
spending
show examples
time
 with family.
Submitted by aikumarbekarys on

Unauthorized use and/or duplication of this material without express and written permission from this site’s author and/or owner is strictly prohibited. Excerpts and links may be used, provided that full and clear credit is given to Writing9 with appropriate and specific direction to the original content.

coherence cohesion
Improve logical structure by using clear signposting and organizing ideas effectively.
coherence cohesion
Ensure a clear introduction and conclusion summarizing the main points.
task achievement
Provide more relevant and specific examples to support the main points.

Fully explain your ideas

To get an excellent score in the IELTS Task 2 writing section, one of the easiest and most effective tips is structuring your writing in the most solid format. A great argument essay structure may be divided to four paragraphs, in which comprises of four sentences (excluding the conclusion paragraph, which comprises of three sentences).

For we to consider an essay structure a great one, it should be looking like this:

  • Paragraph 1 - Introduction
    • Sentence 1 - Background statement
    • Sentence 2 - Detailed background statement
    • Sentence 3 - Thesis
    • Sentence 4 - Outline sentence
  • Paragraph 2 - First supporting paragraph
    • Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
    • Sentence 2 - Example
    • Sentence 3 - Discussion
    • Sentence 4 - Conclusion
  • Paragraph 3 - Second supporting paragraph
    • Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
    • Sentence 2 - Example
    • Sentence 3 - Discussion
    • Sentence 4 - Conclusion
  • Paragraph 4 - Conclusion
    • Sentence 1 - Summary
    • Sentence 2 - Restatement of thesis
    • Sentence 3 - Prediction or recommendation

Our recommended essay structure above comprises of fifteen (15) sentences, which will make your essay approximately 250 to 275 words.

Discover more tips in The Ultimate Guide to Get a Target Band Score of 7+ »— a book that's free for 🚀 Premium users.

Essentional vocabulary list for IELTS Writing 7+

Learn how to write high-scoring essays with powerful words.
Download Free PDF and start improving you writing skills today!
What to do next:
Look at other essays: