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Band 4.5

In many countries around the world, rural people are moving to cities, so the population in the countryside is decreasing. Do you think this is a positive or a negative development?

#countries #world #people #cities #population #countryside #development
It is true that the rural areas are facing a declining trend in relation to the proportion of their residents as a vast majority of people from
countryside
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the countryside
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 are immigrating to big
cities
. I consider
this
 development to be disadvantageous. There are various reasons why I see the above assertion as a negative pattern occurring in many parts of the world.
Firstly
, villages have been mostly proven to be the origin of
a
Correct article usage
apply
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sheer culture and tradition of a nation in which maternal languages are
being
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apply
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spoken and traditional events are
being
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apply
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valued.
However
, the wide trend of leaving
countryside
Correct article usage
the countryside
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 would pose a threat to all of these precious heritages.
Secondly
, local businesses and rural-related careers like agriculture, farming, pastoral and so on, would disappear in the foreseen future if people continue travelling to big
cities
, bringing not only environmental damage but
also
 organic food scarcity.
Moreover
, there would be
also
 a lack of workforce if the young rural population tended to move to larger
cities
.
Following
this
, never will be local schools stabilised
due to
 the absence of young sophisticated teachers who have immigrated. From an opposite perspective, another consequence would be
cities
 facing an increasing trend in their population which of course may lead to
overpopulated-related
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overpopulation-related
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 issues.
Finally
, it requires much more
investmenys
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investments
investment
 from governments in terms of maintaining the remaining lives in
countryside
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the countryside
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 and
also
 the range of facilities, infrastructures , and other social services in large
cities
. In conclusion, nowadays, it is becoming usual for people to leave their maternal hometown in order to take place in metropolitan areas which in my view is a negative development.
Submitted by z.rajabi on

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Task Achievement
The introduction and conclusion could be more focused and clearly linked to the topic. Make sure to address the prompt directly.
Coherence and Cohesion
The essay shows a logical structure and good use of supportive examples. However, the introduction and conclusion need to be improved for better cohesion.
Lexical Resource
The essay demonstrates a good range of vocabulary with relevant terminology. However, be cautious of overly complex language that may hinder clarity.
Grammatical Range
The essay displays generally accurate and varied use of grammar. Pay attention to subject-verb agreement and sentence structure for improved clarity.

Support ideas with relevant, specific examples

Examples make your writing easier to understand by illustrating points more effectively.

Examples, if used properly, not only help you get higher marks for ‘Task Response’ but also for ‘Coherence’.

When giving examples it is best to put them after your main idea or topic sentence. They can be used in the middle of supporting sentences or they can be used to start a new sentence. There is no rule for where exactly to give examples in essays, logically they would come after your main idea/topic sentence or just after a supporting sentence.

Linking words for giving examples:

  • for example
  • for instance
  • to illustrate this
  • to give a clear example
  • such as
  • namely
  • to illustrate
  • take, for example

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Topic Vocabulary:
  • rural-to-urban migration
  • population shift
  • positive impact
  • negative impact
  • urbanization
  • job opportunities
  • access to education
  • access to healthcare
  • urban infrastructure
  • rural traditions
  • cultural heritage
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