IELTS Writing Correction Service
Writing Samples
Band 6.5

All over the world, societies are facing a growing problem with obesity. This problem affects both children and adults. What are reasons for this rise in obesity? How could it be tackled

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In
this
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 contemporary era, putting on
weight
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 is one of the most common diseases many individuals suffer from. The main culprit of
this
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 phenomenon is the high consumption rate of convenience
food
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instead
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 of healthy meals;
however
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, the most effective solution to treat
this
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 issue is by doing exercises. To embark on, many individuals have a hectic lifestyle and they do not have adequate time to prepare a healthy meal.
In other words
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, many labourers engage in full-time jobs and they have to spend almost two-thirds of their day outside their homes.
In addition
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 to that most of them have a short lunch break;
therefore
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, they have become completely dependent on junk
food
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 which is rich in saturated fats,
as well as
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, carbohydrates.
As a result
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, the continuous consumption of fast
food
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 will lead to obesity.
This
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 can be exemplified by an article conducted by a group of Iraqi medical researchers who claimed that slightly less than 60 per cent of Iraqi employees , particularly those who work in the private sector, are suffering from
weight
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 gain
due to
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 unhealthy meals they consistently consume.
Nevertheless
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, despite the aforementioned point, it can be assumed that the most effective remedy to mitigate
this
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 health problem is by doing sport . To illustrate, doing physical activities can play an instrumental tool in losing
weight
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, because sport stimulates the heart muscle which, in turn , will increase the amount of circulatory blood flow;
consequently
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, the amount of delivered oxygen will upsurge in direct proportion.
Consequently
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, the body's muscles will be supplied with a high amount of oxygen which will activate them and lead to loss of calories and
weight
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.
For instance
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, an article published in Time magazine that claimed playing
sport
Fix the agreement mistake
sports
show examples
 for about 20 minutes per day assists individuals
to lose
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in losing
show examples
 more than three kilograms monthly. In conclusion,
after
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this
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 essay has reiterated the above-mentioned points, it can be argued that obesity has become a serious problem
due to
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 the high consumption levels of fast
food
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 which is full of fats and carbohydrates, and the most effective way to reduce
this
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 problem is through physical exercises

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task response
The essay provides a generally clear response to the task, but there are some gaps in addressing the prompt and the main causes and solutions for obesity. More specific and varied examples could be included to enhance the relevance of the response.
coherence cohesion
The essay generally demonstrates a clear overall progression, with an effective introduction and conclusion. However, there are some instances where the connection between ideas could be improved for better coherence.
lexical resource
The essay uses a range of vocabulary and some less common lexical items. However, there are also instances of repetition and overly complex phrasing. Aim for more clarity and precision in vocabulary use.
grammatical range
The essay generally demonstrates a good control of a range of complex structures, with some errors in sentence structure, verb tense consistency, and word choice. Aim for greater accuracy and consistency in grammar usage.
Topic Vocabulary:
  • Obesity
  • Overweight
  • Epidemic
  • Sedentary
  • Processed food
  • Fast food
  • Nutritional education
  • Awareness
  • Stress
  • Emotional eating
  • Genetic factors
  • Access
  • Healthy food options
  • Marketing
  • Urbanization
  • Lifestyles
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