IELTS Writing Correction Service
Writing Samples
Band 5.5

Sports stars and movie stars have an obligation to behave as role models for the young people who look up to them. In return for the millions of dollars that they are paid, we should expect them to fulfill this societal responsibility.

Nowadays, most of young
people
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 are heavily influenced by what they consume everyday.
For instance
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, with a rapid globalization, they have an access to follow any updates from their idola through social
media
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, which leads to the tendency of mimicking their idola personality and behaviour. With that being said, I strongly agree that those popular
artists
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,
consequently
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, have a moral obligation to show a good attitude--knowing that many
people
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 are keep an eye on them and perceive them as their
role
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 models.
To begin
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, famous
people
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,
such
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 as sport stars and movie stars, have a strong persona which allows them to have a high capability to
influence
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 other
people
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.
For example
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, in the case of Israel and Palestine war, many
artists
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 post their
stance
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 towards
this
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 case on their personal account. It can be seen through the comment section that many of their followers are influenced by their opinions. More importantly, their fans are trying to defend their idol's opinion, specifically the young
people
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 who still do not have enough capability to have their personal
stance
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 and tend to follow the crowd.
However
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, it should be highlighted that the
artists
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' main responsibility is solely focus on their career. Putting societal expectation towards them only resulting negative effects,
such
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 as invading their private space and freedom of expression. When it comes to young
people
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's behavior, the parental method plays a critical
role
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 in shaping their mindset and attitude.
However
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, still it is indirect consequence for popular
people
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 to behave in social
media
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 as a return for the millions of dollars that they are paid from the citizens. In conclusion, I strongly believe that the sports stars and movie starts should be a good
role
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 model since they have a strong
influence
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, specifically to those underage fans. Despite it is not their main job, but it can be seen as their moral obligation. ChatGPT Your
essay
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 is well-structured and effectively communicates your
stance
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 on the prompt. Here's an assessment of your
essay
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: Introduction:
Strengths
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: Clearly states your agreement with the statement. Establishes the context well by referring to the
influence
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 of celebrities on young
people
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 through social
media
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.
Areas
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 for
Improvement
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: Adding a bit more
complexity
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 or a hook could enhance the introduction. Body Paragraphs:
Strengths
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: Supporting Points: Presents a strong argument regarding the
influence
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 of celebrities on young
people
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, especially through social
media
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. The example of
artists
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 expressing their
stance
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 on the Israel-Palestine war is relevant and impactful. Consideration of Counterarguments: Effectively considers the potential negative effects on celebrities,
such
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 as invasion of privacy and freedom of expression. Acknowledges the
role
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 of parental
influence
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.
Areas
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 for
Improvement
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:
While
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 the points are strong, incorporating a broader range of vocabulary and varying sentence structures could elevate the
complexity
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 of your writing. Conclusion:
Strengths
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: Summarizes key points effectively. Reiterates your agreement with the statement.
Areas
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 for
Improvement
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: Similar to the introduction, adding a touch more
complexity
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 or a forward-looking statement could enhance the conclusion. Language Use:
Strengths
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: Clear and coherent language use. Ideas are well-articulated.
Areas
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 for
Improvement
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: Incorporating a broader range of vocabulary throughout the
essay
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 could add depth. Consider varying sentence structures for increased
complexity
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.
Overall
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: Your
essay
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 demonstrates a solid understanding of the prompt, effective use of examples, and a balanced consideration of counterarguments. It meets the criteria for a score of 4.5 on the GRE writing scale. Incorporating more sophisticated vocabulary and varied sentence structures could potentially push it toward the higher end of the scale. Keep refining your writing skills, and you'll continue to improve. Well done!

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Structure your answers in logical paragraphs

The easiest way to score well on the IELTS Task 2 writing portion is to structure your writing in a solid essay format.

A strong argument essay structure can be split up into 4 paragraphs, each containing 4 sentences (except the conclusion paragraph, which only contains 3 sentences).

Stick to this essay structure:

  • Paragraph 1 - Introduction
  • Paragraph 2 - First supporting paragraph
  • Paragraph 3 - Second supporting paragraph
  • Paragraph 4 - Conclusion

Discover more tips in The Ultimate Guide to Get a Target Band Score of 7+ »- a book that's free for 🚀 Premium users.

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