IELTS Writing Correction Service
Writing Samples
Band 7

It is more important for the government to spend money on promoting the healthy lifestyle to prevent illness rather than on the treatment of people who are really ill. To what extent do you agree or disagree?

Whether the government should subsidize
money
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 in healthcare to prevent illness or allocate funds to the
treatment
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 of patients has become an intense debate these days. I firmly believe that the former option is more beneficial than the latter and will outline my arguments for
this
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 opinion in
this
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 essay. On the one hand,
treatment
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 plays a vital role in our society. It is obvious that some diseases are inevitable, especially those that are common in the old.
For example
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, diabetes is a chronic condition that affects many elderly people, regardless of their lifestyles or habits.
In addition
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, government support is critical when the
treatment
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 costs exceed the patients’ financial capacity. Many people in developing countries,
for instance
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, cannot afford the expensive and prolonged
treatment
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 for cancer, which has become a major concern of working families. In these cases, providing a cure is the sole way to ensure people’s health and civil rights.
Nevertheless
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, there is a wide range of evidence proving that prevention is always better than cure. By adopting a healthy lifestyle, the masses are less likely to develop illness. The fewer patients there are, the less
money
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 will be invested in
treatment
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 facilities, medicines and healthcare staff.
This
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 is substantially profitable for saving
money
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 since that amount can be allotted in other domains
such
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 as military, and education.
Moreover
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, being ill may lead to a few detrimental consequences.
For instance
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, if a worker gets ill, not only their productivity is reduced, but
also
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 their health is compromised. Once the productivity and well-being of citizens drop, it will have an adverse impact on the economy
as well as
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 on society as a whole. To recapitulate,
while
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 both approaches are essential, I am of the opinion that the government should spend more resources towards stimulating citizens to adopt a healthy lifestyle.
However
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, the authorities should
also
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 take everything into serious consideration to distribute
money
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 precisely on each side. By doing
this
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, people will stay healthy and the economy
as well as
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 society will sustainably grow.

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coherence cohesion
Your essay has a clear structure with an introduction, body paragraphs, and a conclusion, which is commendable. However, the coherence could be further enhanced by linking ideas more explicitly and ensuring paragraphs flow more naturally from one to the next with better use of cohesive devices.
task achievement
You addressed the task and presented a clear position throughout the essay. Your arguments would benefit from a more balanced discussion of both prevention and treatment, including more specific examples to support your claims. This would contribute to a more complete response to the prompt.
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