IELTS Writing Correction Service
Writing Samples
Band 6.5

Some people think that companies should provide employees with exercise time during the day. What is your opinion about this?

#people #companies #employees #exercise #time
✨ Do you want to improve your IELTS writing?
A lot of individuals believe that
companies
Use synonyms
 ought to
exercise
Use synonyms
 for their workers during the day . In my opinion, having
exercise
Use synonyms
time
Use synonyms
 for
employees
Use synonyms
 will lead to many problems not only for the workers but
also
Linking Words
 for the
companies
Use synonyms
.
Firstly
Linking Words
, providing
employees
Use synonyms
 with
exercise
Use synonyms
 makes them lose
time
Use synonyms
 because some
companies
Use synonyms
work
Use synonyms
 only half a day, so in
this
Linking Words
 case, it will be difficult for
companies
Use synonyms
. The best
time
Use synonyms
 for the
employees
Use synonyms
 to
exercise
Use synonyms
 is in the evening.
For example
Linking Words
, If a
company
Use synonyms
 that operates only for ten hours give their
employees
Use synonyms
time
Use synonyms
 for
exercise
Use synonyms
, it will take around 1 hour of their
work
Use synonyms
time
Use synonyms
.
As a result
Linking Words
,
companies
Use synonyms
 will waste their
time
Use synonyms
 and it certainly can benefit the
company
Use synonyms
 if they use
this
Linking Words
time
Use synonyms
 to
work
Use synonyms
 on other things namely training programmes to enhance their
work
Use synonyms
 efficiency. Another point to consider is that
this
Linking Words
 will cause the
company
Use synonyms
 to spend more money.
That is
Linking Words
 to say, if
companies
Use synonyms
 allow
employees
Use synonyms
 to do sport, they should provide some machines and space , especially for
exercise
Use synonyms
.
For instance
Linking Words
, if a
company
Use synonyms
 has more than 40
employees
Use synonyms
, they have to have a basic machine,
such
Linking Words
 as a treadmill and cycling machine for their staff, and all these should be placed in a special room, namely a fitness room.
Thus
Linking Words
, for some
companies
Use synonyms
,
this
Linking Words
 certainly can be a burden for them financially. In conclusion, I believe that having
exercise
Use synonyms
time
Use synonyms
 for
employees
Use synonyms
 will cause them to waste their
time
Use synonyms
 and perform badly
as well as
Linking Words
causing
Wrong verb form
cause
show examples
 the
company
Use synonyms
 to have unnecessary spending.
Submitted by s_syedy on

Unauthorized use and/or duplication of this material without express and written permission from this site’s author and/or owner is strictly prohibited. Excerpts and links may be used, provided that full and clear credit is given to Writing9 with appropriate and specific direction to the original content.

Task Achievement
Your essay provides a clear standpoint against the provision of exercise time by companies, which is consistent throughout. However, expanding on the advantages of your position or briefly addressing potential counterarguments could enhance your task achievement by showing a broader understanding of the topic.
Coherence and Cohesion
Consider varying your sentence structures and using more linking words to improve the flow of your essay. While your ideas are logically arranged, better transitions between them would enhance readability and coherence.
Task Achievement
To strengthen your argument, you may benefit from incorporating a wider variety of specific examples and data. This would not only support your main points but also demonstrate a deeper analysis of the topic.
Task Achievement
You've effectively used examples to support your viewpoints, clearly demonstrating the potential issues with companies providing exercise time.
Coherence and Cohesion
The essay maintains a logical structure, with a clear introduction, development of ideas, and conclusion, which helps in conveying your argument effectively.
What to do next:
Look at other essays: