Nowadays, celebrities are more known for their glamour and wealth than their accomplishments and this is setting a bad example for the youngsters. Do you agree or disgaree with the statement ?

In these
Change preposition
These
show examples
days, success does not make
the
Correct article usage
apply
show examples
celebrities
to be well known, but they are known as they are affluent and charming.
However
, some people think
this
circumstance exemplifies wrongly to the adolescents. In my perspective, it is true that imitating these
celebrities
Change noun form
celebrities'
show examples
lavish lives is harmful
for
Change the preposition
to
show examples
the
Correct article usage
apply
show examples
susceptible teenagers as it might set them incorrect goals in life.
Although
there are advantages, the number of disadvantages is obviously higher which the effect of them is a serious issue. 
To begin
with, imitating
celebrities
might stimulate
the
Correct article usage
apply
show examples
youngsters to be more enthusiastic in school as they
want
Add the particle
want to
show examples
have jobs and earn as much money as possible to be able to purchase the same goods as the
celebrities
they admire.
Furthermore
, it might encourage the young individuals to do exercise as they want to be in
shaped
Replace the word
shape
show examples
and look good like the
celebrities
.
However
, the portion of teenagers who think like
this
is very tiny.
Thus
, it tends to set bad examples
to
Change preposition
for
show examples
the
Correct article usage
apply
show examples
adolescents who are mentally vulnerable and easily
to be
Verb problem
apply
show examples
influenced. As
the
Correct article usage
apply
show examples
celebrities
like to post their lavish lives on social
medias
Correct your spelling
media
show examples
, it makes the kids feel jealous;
hence
, they waste their parents' money
with
Change preposition
on
show examples
unnecessary things
such
as cosmetics and gadgets, but they just want to spend not earn.
Thus
, it might make them have a difficult time in the future when they have to face the actual world which is not as exquisite and straightforward as they think.
Additionally
, some young individuals who are jealous of the appearance of
the
Correct article usage
apply
show examples
celebrities
might attempt to do an illegal surgery as it is a lot cheaper;
nonetheless
, it definitely poses serious health problems. Some teenagers might have fake braces which can cause wrong teeth arrangement, and they might lose them for eternity. In summary, it depends on the individual how they would
they
Correct pronoun usage
apply
show examples
do in order to have a really good life like the
celebrities
.
However
, as
adolecents
Correct your spelling
adolescents
are still immature, they would choose the fastest and easiest way which
are
Correct subject-verb agreement
is
show examples
always wrong.
Therefore
,
celebrities
'
behaviors
Change the spelling
behaviours
show examples
tend to set bad examples, and it
is leading
Wrong verb form
leads
show examples
the
Correct article usage
apply
show examples
youngsters to the wrong way of life.
Submitted by dondollaraus on

Unauthorized use and/or duplication of this material without express and written permission from this site’s author and/or owner is strictly prohibited. Excerpts and links may be used, provided that full and clear credit is given to Writing9 with appropriate and specific direction to the original content.

coherence and cohesion
You should ensure the logical progression of your points and provide a more balanced argument by showcasing both sides in a more structured manner, thus allowing your essay to flow more seamlessly.
task achievement
Expand upon your main points with further explanations and more varied examples that directly relate to the question, demonstrating a critical understanding of the topic.
task achievement
Whilst you have addressed the question, ensure that your ideas are fully developed and the position taken is consistent throughout the essay. You should engage more deeply with the question and provide a clear opinion, making sure it is evident within all parts of your essay.
What to do next:
Look at other essays: