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Writing Samples
Band 6.5

Nowadays，young people are admiring media and sports stars, even though they do not set a good example. Do you think this is a positive or negative development?

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It has become an increasing trend for adolescents to treat media and sports stars as their role models, largely influenced by the widespread pop culture around the world.
However
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, considering the implications on the worldview of the
youngsters
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,
this
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 development can only be seen as detrimental.
To begin
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 with, the fact that the majority of celebrities are in the entertainment industry indicates that their appearance contributes primarily to their reputation, resulting in young people focusing more on their own outlook
instead
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 of other traits,
such
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 as personality and intelligence.
In other words
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,
youngsters
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 may be misled by the industry, believing that they can get a reputation and fortune as long as they become beautiful.
For example
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, an increasing number of young people surge into plastic surgeries at an early age.
Consequently
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, it is hard for them to concentrate on gaining knowledge and improving their abilities in their golden age.
In addition
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,
while
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 it cannot be denied that the winding stories of some world-renowned actors and athletes can be encouraging to adolescents, a broad range of misbehaviour may negatively affect
youngsters
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' worldviews, preventing them from distinguishing
right
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 from wrong.
For instance
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, when some juveniles see their icons drinking and smoking, they may intuitively conclude that these things are acceptable and worthy of trying,
this
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 is particularly the case when they are in need of the
right
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 guidance. In conclusion, the popularity of pop culture has given much attention to the celebrities in entertainment industry. It brings drawbacks to the development of
youngsters
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 in terms of shaping the
right
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 code of ethics. More healthy and righteous values ought to be emphasized to ensure the next generation is on the
right
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 way.

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task achievement
Ensure you fully develop all parts of the task. Make sure to provide more specific examples to substantiate the points you are making.
coherence and cohesion
Greater specificity in main points and examples would greatly enhance the essay's persuasiveness and overall coherence.
coherence and cohesion
While the essay structure is recognizable, there is room for improvement in terms of clear and logical sequencing of ideas. Transitions can be strengthened for smoother flow.
coherence and cohesion
Though your introduction includes a thesis statement and your conclusion summarizes the main points, make sure they are symmetrically balanced and fully reflect the complexity of the essay content.

Your opinion

Don’t put your opinion unless you are asked to give it.

If the question asks what you think, you MUST give your opinion to get a good score.

Don’t leave your opinion until the conclusion.

Here are examples of instructions that require you to give your opinion:

...do you agree or disagree?...do you think...?...your opinion...?

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