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Writing Samples
Band 5

Some people think that all teenagers should be required to do unpaid work in their free time to help the local community. They believe this would benefit both the individual teenager and society as a whole. Do you agree or disagree?

Some people argue that children, until they become adults, have to work without any salary to help their city.
This
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 essay totally disagrees with that statement. I disagree
and
Punctuation problem
, and
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 I believe that teenagers already have many things to do , and they have to enjoy them during their free time and holidays. And
then
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, I think that it can be dangerous for them to work
while
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 they are still children. On the one hand, I think that boys and girls have to prioritise their free time to prepare for their future and study for school. It is completely ridiculous to ask children to labour when they already have a lot of homework. It is better to allow them some time to study for school, to practice activities
such
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 as sports, arts or maybe learn a new language.
For instance
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, during my
last
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 summer holidays, I went to a sports camp in Spain where I did football , and I learnt Spanish. I prefer that,
instead
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 of working in a company where I will certainly stay for the next forty years.
On the other hand
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, I believe that if young people already work like adults in various companies, they can react badly. Indeed, it can be dangerous for the mental health of a fourteen-year-old student to assume certain responsibilities. Especially in some jobs where the boss can be strict.
For example
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,
according to
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 a study made by the University of Chicago in 2020, 80% of
employers
Check wording
restaurant workers
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 who perform
a
Correct article usage
apply
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task
Fix the agreement mistake
tasks
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 in restaurant workers often felt very anxious about their jobs. If students , during their free moments, help a restaurant, they can easily feel worried , and the consequences could be dramatic.
To conclude
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, I disagree
and
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, and
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 in my opinion, it is a stupid thing to recommend that teenagers help the local community by working.
First,
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it destroys their childhood , and it can be dangerous for them. So, the bad consequences are just removing the benefits.

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Task response
Plan your essay before you write. Make one main idea for each paragraph and add one or two clear examples.
Task response
Give a clear stand and stay with it. Then add reasons and simple, real examples to back it up.
Coherence and cohesion
Make links between ideas smooth. Use simple words like 'and', 'but', 'also', 'so' to connect sentences.
Coherence and cohesion
Split your writing into short, clean paragraphs. Start each with a topic idea.
Grammar and accuracy
Check long sentences. Short ones are easy to read and less wrong.
Task response
Clear position against the idea is stated at once.
Task response
You give personal examples to show your view.
Coherence and cohesion
You use a simple plan with two sides (on the one hand, on the other hand).
Coherence and cohesion
Some good contrasts and link words.
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