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Writing Samples /
Band 2

It is more important for the government to spend money on promoting the healthy lifestyle to prevent illness rather than on the treatment of people who are really ill. To what extent do you agree or disagree?

#government #money #lifestyle #illness #treatment #people
In my opinion, to prevent
better
Add a missing verb
is better
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 than to cure. So I do agree with the government spending money for promoting healthy
lifestyle
Fix the agreement mistake
lifestyles
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 rather than to cure patients in the hospital. I have two main
reason
Change to a plural noun
reasons
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 why that I will explain more
furthermore
Rephrase
further
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.
First
Add an article
The first
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reason
 is in
term
Fix the agreement mistake
terms
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 of the number of money which will be spent. Promoting by the media nowadays become really
trend
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a trend
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 and of
course
Add a comma
course,
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 has a big chance to influence people to deliver a certain point which we intend to give. Since it is trending and many
provider
Change to a plural noun
providers
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such
 as television
channel
Fix the agreement mistake
channels
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,
artists
Correct word choice
and artists
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 on social media which
known
Add a missing verb
are known
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 as
influencer
Fix the agreement mistake
influencers
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 can attract
people
Change noun form
people's
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 attention
surely
Rephrase
apply
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. So it works as a good step towards a better
lifestyle
.
Second
Add an article
The second
A second
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reason
, I strongly believe that if the government pay attention mostly to
promote
Wrong verb form
promoting
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healthy
Add an article
a healthy
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lifestyle
, people will less sick and back to the first
reason
 that curing is expensive and of course
depending
Wrong verb form
depends
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 on the illness. By all
mean
Correct subject-verb agreement
means
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,
promotion
Replace the word
promoting
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healthy
Correct article usage
a healthy
show examples
lifestyle
 can lead to a small number of illnesses and
to
Fix the infinitive
apply
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help
ones
Replace the word
one
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 to create a better environment.
Submitted by misstiasclassroom on

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introduction conclusion present
Ensure your essay has a strong introduction and conclusion, each clearly delineating your main argument and summarizing key points.
supported main points
Support your main points with clear, specific examples and elaborate on these more to strengthen your argument.
complete response
While your position is somewhat clear, it would benefit from a more comprehensive statement of your argument and a direct response to the task question.
clear comprehensive ideas
Further development of ideas with clear explanation will enhance the clarity and comprehensiveness of your essay.
lexical resource
Incorporate more varied sentence structures and a wider range of vocabulary to demonstrate language proficiency.
grammatical range and accuracy
Improve your grammatical accuracy with better use of tenses, articles, and prepositions.

Fully explain your ideas

To get an excellent score in the IELTS Task 2 writing section, one of the easiest and most effective tips is structuring your writing in the most solid format. A great argument essay structure may be divided to four paragraphs, in which comprises of four sentences (excluding the conclusion paragraph, which comprises of three sentences).

For we to consider an essay structure a great one, it should be looking like this:

  • Paragraph 1 - Introduction
    • Sentence 1 - Background statement
    • Sentence 2 - Detailed background statement
    • Sentence 3 - Thesis
    • Sentence 4 - Outline sentence
  • Paragraph 2 - First supporting paragraph
    • Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
    • Sentence 2 - Example
    • Sentence 3 - Discussion
    • Sentence 4 - Conclusion
  • Paragraph 3 - Second supporting paragraph
    • Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
    • Sentence 2 - Example
    • Sentence 3 - Discussion
    • Sentence 4 - Conclusion
  • Paragraph 4 - Conclusion
    • Sentence 1 - Summary
    • Sentence 2 - Restatement of thesis
    • Sentence 3 - Prediction or recommendation

Our recommended essay structure above comprises of fifteen (15) sentences, which will make your essay approximately 250 to 275 words.

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