There are many different types of music in the world today. Why do we need music? Is the traditional music of a country more important than the international music that is heard everywhere nowadays?
Nowadays, our world has a great variety of music.
This
essay will discuss why we do
we need to listen to songs by explaining their beneficial impacts on our lives and will show us that traditional sounds are more important than international rhythms by the fact that music has an educational purpose strongly linked with typical contents.
Verb problem
apply
Firstly
, the musical aspect in our modern world has an essential function related to its positive effects on people. Sounds allow people to have a good time in difficult moments by helping them to escape the hard reality. These contents make individuals completely forget everything around them by changing their moods. Moreover
, it is a perfect tool to assure
motivation and even education. Verb problem
ensure
For example
, a recent Harvard study in 2021 showed how songs help to reduce depression and develop new learning skills.
Secondly
, traditional rhythms of specific territories are more important than global melodies because of their useful cultural and educational background. These ancient artistic compositions have a much richer and elaborated
content than now. Correct quantifier usage
more elaborated
Also
, the modern topics are redundant and vulgar while
typical lyrics expand our knowledge to far regions. For instance
, an article published by the Oxford Journal Gazette in 1999 demonstrated that in current songs artists speak 90% about sex and only 10 % about other interesting features when in ancient compositions the proportions where
exactly the opposite.
Correct your spelling
were
To conclude
, humans need to maintain music in their lives to ensure some valuables
contributions Change the noun form
valuable
as
motivation or education. Correct quantifier usage
such as
Furthermore
, classic productions have more weight in our society than international creations by
their richest cultural background.Change preposition
because of
Submitted by santos_dij on
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coherence cohesion
Make sure your essay has a clear introduction, body paragraphs, and conclusion. Your introduction and conclusion are present but could be more distinct and clearly delineate your essay's structure.
coherence cohesion
Work to improve the logical structure of your essay by ensuring each paragraph has a clear central idea and that the ideas within the paragraphs are logically ordered and connected using appropriate linking words.
coherence cohesion
Support your main points with a mix of general statements and specific, detailed examples. While you provided some examples, aim to include a wider range of support that clearly illustrates your main points.
task achievement
Ensure you fully respond to all parts of the task. You addressed why we need music and whether traditional or international music is more important, which is good, but also make sure to explore these topics in equal depth and with clear arguments.
task achievement
Develop clear and comprehensive ideas in your responses. Aim for depth as well as breadth in your discussion, unpacking the implications and reasons behind your assertions.
task achievement
Include relevant and specific examples to support your arguments. The examples you provided are helpful, but ensure they are consistent and accurate. Cross-reference with factual data for accuracy and reliability.
Use a variety of complex and simple sentences
You should use complex sentences in your writing, but it does not mean that you should try to make all of our sentences complex.
‘Complex’ sentences are not actually very complex; they are just two or more simple sentences put together. Putting them together makes the essay more coherent and cohesive.
Examples:
I really want to study but I’m too tired.
I wore a warm coat because the weather was cold.
If action is not taken soon on climate change, global warming will get worse.
