IELTS Writing Correction Service /
Writing Samples /
Band 5

Some people say that the best way to improve health is by increasing the number of sports facilities.Others,However,say that this woud have little effect on public health and that other measure are required. Discuss both these views and give your own opinion.

#people #health #sports #facilities #woud #effect #measure
To improve public
health
 some
people
 suggest that
the
Correct article usage
apply
show examples
sports
 can play a vital role. It is said that “
Healthy
Correct article usage
A healthy
show examples
 mind is in a Healthy body”. By increasing the number of
sports
facilities
 we can create an environment of courage, sportsmanship, and tolerance. The minds of youth can
also
 be directed towards healthy activities through
sports
 promotion.
However
, some
people
 believe that
sports
facilities
 alone are not sufficient to improve public
health
. There are many socio-economic factors that gravely affect
the
Correct article usage
apply
show examples
public
health
,
such
 as water &
sanitation
Correct word choice
and sanitation
show examples
, rampant population &
pollution
Correct word choice
and pollution
show examples
, lack of hygienic manners and social unrest. These factors need to be addressed to improve
overall
 public
health
. In my opinion, in a country like Pakistan, where
people
 are living under the “shadow of fear”
due to
 prevailing terrorism in the country we need a diverse approach. Speaking of flourishing poverty, inflation, and unemployment – availing
sports
Change preposition
of sports
show examples
facilities
 could be a luxury. And
then
 there is a vast majority of areas deprived of basic
health
facilities
, where one doctor is available for thousands of
people
.
Sports
 can play a role but only if
people
 are content with their lives. There is a dire need for government to take solid actions to improve the general well-being of the
people
.
Firstly
, it must improve the security situation in the country to give peace of mind to the public.
Secondly
, it must improve
water
Correct article usage
the water
show examples
 & sanitation system and
must
Verb problem
apply
show examples
put a serious check on
pollution
Correct article usage
the pollution
show examples
 increase and
should
Verb problem
apply
show examples
take steps to reduce poverty, illiteracy and unemployment.
Thirdly
,
the
Correct article usage
apply
show examples
society must improve general hygiene
level
Fix the agreement mistake
levels
show examples
 to have a positive impact on
overall
 public
health
.
Submitted by rohitbohara.xvi on

Unauthorized use and/or duplication of this material without express and written permission from this site’s author and/or owner is strictly prohibited. Excerpts and links may be used, provided that full and clear credit is given to Writing9 with appropriate and specific direction to the original content.

coherence cohesion
Ensure that your essay has a clear introduction, body, and conclusion. The introduction should present the topic and your thesis statement, the body should contain distinct paragraphs for each point with appropriate topic sentences, and the conclusion should summarize the main points and restate the thesis.
coherence cohesion
Use a range of linking devices to connect ideas within and across sentences, but also be cautious not to overuse them. Balance is key to maintaining the flow of the essay. Vary your sentence structures to enhance readability and engagement.
coherence cohesion
Develop each main point in a separate paragraph by providing detailed explanations, examples, and reasons. Ensure each paragraph’s main idea is clearly stated and supported with evidence or examples.
task achievement
Make sure to fully respond to all parts of the task. The response should address both views presented as well as provide your own opinion. Be clear and directly answer the question, letting your own voice and perspective come through in your writing.
task achievement
Organize ideas logically and clearly to ensure that the reader can follow your line of reasoning without difficulty. Ideas should be relevant to the task and clearly connected to the essay question. Include a final statement that reflects your personal stance and provides a sense of closure.
task achievement
Use specific examples to support your points. While your own opinion is valuable, referencing studies, data, or real-life examples can provide credibility and concreteness to your arguments.

Include an introduction and conclusion

A conclusion is essential for IELTS writing task 2. It is more important than most people realise. You will be penalised for missing a conclusion in your IELTS essay.

The easiest paragraph to write in an essay is the conclusion paragraph. This is because the paragraph mostly contains information that has already been presented in the essay – it is just the repetition of some information written in the introduction paragraph and supporting paragraphs.

The conclusion paragraph only has 3 sentences:

  • Summary
  • Restatement of thesis
  • Prediction or recommendation

Example:

To summarize, a robotic teacher does not have the necessary disciple to properly give instructions to students and actually works to retard the ability of a student to comprehend new lessons. Therefore, it is clear that the idea of running a classroom completely by a machine cannot be supported. After thorough analysis on this subject, it is predicted that the adverse effects of the debate over technology-driven teaching will always be greater than the positive effects, and because of this, classroom teachers will never be substituted for technology.

Start your conclusion with a linking phrase. Here are some examples:

  • In conclusion
  • To conclude
  • To summarize
  • Finally
  • In a nutshell
  • In general

Discover more tips in The Ultimate Guide to Get a Target Band Score of 7+ »— a book that's free for 🚀 Premium users.

What to do next:
Look at other essays: