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Writing Samples
Band 6.5

In some of countries, the average weight of people is increasing, and their fitness levels are decreasing. What do you think are the causes of these problems and what measures could be taken to solve them?

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The general health of a sizeable chunk of the world population has seen a perpetual decline over the
last
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 few decades. Issues
such
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 as obesity, fatigue and other related ailments have become prevalent to an alarming extent.
Although
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 several factors have led to
this
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 occurrence becoming so widespread, the act of leading a poor lifestyle is a central cause
for
Change preposition
of
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this
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 phenomenon. In the forthcoming paragraphs, I will delve deeper into the roots of
this
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 predicament and suggest possible solutions to rectify these circumstances.
Firstly
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, we must acknowledge the inclination of the current generation towards unhealthy
food
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 items. The advent of processed and fast
food
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,
although
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 has raised the levels of convenience, especially in the lives of working-class people, it has
also
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 skyrocketed the cases of disorders like excessive weight, heart conditions and high blood pressure.
Secondly
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, it is quite evident that presently, people enjoy a more lethargic manner of living
that is
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 devoid of routine physical exercise.
Such
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 tendencies are more extensive among the youth who relish staying indoors and spending time with digital appliances rather than engaging in outdoor activities. The amalgamated impact of
such
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 detrimental traits is the reason behind the appalling condition of public health.
Nevertheless
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, some measures can be taken to improve the topical state of affairs. First and foremost, the significance of a vigorous lifestyle must be recognized. Physical education should be made a mandatory subject in the school curriculum so that robust habits like regular exercise and following a balanced diet are formed at an early age.
Furthermore
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, the frequency of consuming junk
food
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 must be curbed by our own accord since it is impractical to expect large corporations and multinational
food
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 chains to terminate their operations. In conclusion, the genesis of rising instances of overweightedness among
the
Correct article usage
apply
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people cannot be blamed on a single agent. The most sensible avenue that can be taken to ameliorate
this
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 issue is to invest more time and effort towards our physical well-being.

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coherence cohesion
Ensure there is a clear and logical progression of ideas throughout the essay. While there is a coherent structure, some links between ideas could be clearer. Consider using more transitional phrases to connect sentences and paragraphs more smoothly.
coherence cohesion
The introduction and conclusion are present with a clear thesis statement and summarization. Make sure the conclusion fully encapsulates all the main points discussed in the body paragraphs.
coherence cohesion
Support your main points with more detailed examples and explanations. While each paragraph has a central idea, expanding on these with more specificity will make arguments more convincing.
task achievement
Address all parts of the task. The essay adequately covers the reasons for the problems but could be more thorough in suggesting a wider range of measures.
task achievement
Include a mix of general statements and specific, detailed ideas. Some paragraphs need more comprehensive development of ideas to fully satisfy the question's requirements.
task achievement
Incorporate relevant examples that directly support your points. While the essay hints at examples, using concrete and specific instances will enhance the task response considerably.
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