IELTS Writing Correction Service
Writing Samples
Band 5

Many famous sports players advertise sports products. Do the advantages of this trend outweigh the disadvantages?

#sports #players #products #trend
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Some well-known athletes are promoting
products
Use synonyms
 related to sports.
Although
Linking Words
 watching these
contents
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 which contain advertisements could lead
people
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 to impulsively buy unnecessary things,
this
Linking Words
 essay believes that their
contents
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 provide education to the public which
outweigh
Correct subject-verb agreement
outweighs
show examples
 the negative impacts. On the one hand, sports influencers often create social media posts about some physical health
products
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 which attract peoples’ interest to purchase. These famous athletes will promote the benefits when taking or using these commercial
products
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, and their followers will deliberately want to follow
his
Correct pronoun usage
their
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 style without carefully
attune
Wrong verb form
attuning
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 to their actual needs. In their
Use synonyms
contents
Fix the agreement mistake
content
show examples
, they provide links to commercial sites to purchase the items,
hence
Linking Words
 making it easier for
people
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 to impulsively check out the
products
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.
For example
Linking Words
, Mega, a national volleyball athlete, posts about the multivitamins she takes to maintain her energy
in
Change preposition
on
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 her Instagram. The post gains a bunch of comments from her fans and
saying
Wrong verb form
says
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 they want to try it themselves.
On the other hand
Linking Words
, when creating
content
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 for the public, sports influencers usually mask the ads within their educational
content
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. Their
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contents
Fix the agreement mistake
content
show examples
 typically consist of tips and raising awareness of some physical exercise and
at the end
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 of the video they will give recommendations and reviews about the
Fix the agreement mistake
sports
show examples
sport
Fix the agreement mistake
sports
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products
Use synonyms
.
For instance
Linking Words
, Mega creates
content
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 about how to do simple exercises every morning before going to work using a
non slippery
Add a hyphen
non-slippery
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 mat at home.
This
Linking Words
 kind of
content
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 brings benefits to
people
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 who want to be healthy but they do not have much time to go to the gym.
This
Linking Words
 essay thinks that even though she advertises a mat, the
overall
Linking Words
 message of how simple to
do
Unnecessary verb
apply
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exercise serves a greater health benefit to
people
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. In conclusion, even though advertising
products
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 through
influencer
Fix the agreement mistake
influencers
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 will induce peoples’ desire
in buying
Change preposition
to buy
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 unimportant things,
this
Linking Words
 essay believes that through these
contents
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, they share and drive peoples’ motivation by demonstrating light and
easy to follow
Add a hyphen
easy-to-follow
show examples
exercise
Fix the agreement mistake
exercises
show examples
.
Submitted by intanannisa.ia on

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Task Achievement
The essay addresses the question posed; however, Task Achievement could be improved by fully developing your argument, presenting a clearer comparison between the advantages and disadvantages in terms of their significance and impact. Provide a more balanced discussion and a more substantial conclusion that reflects on the weight of both sides.
Coherence and Cohesion
Your essay demonstrates a general logical structure but could benefit from clearer transitions and better signposting of your main points. Aim to have a more obvious progression of ideas throughout the essay by using cohesive devices effectively. Additionally, try to have a clearer thematic link between the introduction and the conclusion.
Supported Main Points
Each paragraph should have one clear main idea supported by specific examples and explanations. Your paragraphs currently start with relevant main points, but the supporting sentences and examples sometimes stray from the initial focus. Ensure that all provided examples directly illustrate the discussed advantage or disadvantage.

Your opinion

Don’t put your opinion unless you are asked to give it.

If the question asks what you think, you MUST give your opinion to get a good score.

Don’t leave your opinion until the conclusion.

Here are examples of instructions that require you to give your opinion:

...do you agree or disagree?...do you think...?...your opinion...?

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