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Writing Samples
Band 4.5

In some cultures, children are often told that they can achieve anything if they try hard enough. What are the advantages and disadvantages of giving children this message?

#cultures #children #message
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It is argued that by working hard,
people
Use synonyms
 can get what want. The main benefits of
this
Linking Words
 are individuals will continuously make
effort
Correct article usage
an effort
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 and
people
Use synonyms
 will have higher self-esteem,
however
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, the key drawbacks are too much emphasis
in
Change preposition
on
show examples
 hard
working
Replace the word
work
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 and unable to face failures.
Firstly
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, individuals will be more
confidence
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confident
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of
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in
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 themselves. If
people
Use synonyms
 have
succeed
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succeeded
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 in one of their accomplishments after working hard, they will be sure that the message they were told is correct, and they will be confident to repeat success.
Furthermore
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,
people
Use synonyms
 will be willing to make more effort.
This
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 is because they know that by working hard they can reach everything, so they will never give up until they achieve it.
For example
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, many businessmen succeed because they
were
Wrong verb form
are
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 sure that by hard
working
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work
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 they will triumph, even if they
failed
Wrong verb form
fail
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 they will still try until they get it. The main disadvantage of
this
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 message is that some
people
Use synonyms
 will start doubting
of
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apply
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themselves. If they
did
Wrong verb form
do
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 not get what they
wanted
Wrong verb form
want
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 even by working hard, they will think that they are not good for anything.
Moreover
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,
people
Use synonyms
 will give too much emphasis
in
Change preposition
on
show examples
 hard
working
Replace the word
work
show examples
. There are other factors that can affect the achievement,
such
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 as the environment in which someone grows up, the family and the place.
For instance
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, some Chinese
people
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 who live in the mountains, think that they will have a better
live
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life
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 if they study hard, but the reality is, that when they reach a certain age, they will be
enforced
Verb problem
forced
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 by their parents to get married and have babies. In conclusion, the benefits of telling children
thay
Correct your spelling
that
 they can get everything by trying hard is that they will gain confidence and will continuously try,
while
Linking Words
 the disadvantages are that
people
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 give too much importance to hard
working
Replace the word
work
show examples
 and are not able to face their non-fulfilment.
Submitted by elenazheng1211 on

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coherence cohesion
Ensure that the introduction contains a clear thesis statement, outlining the main points that will be discussed.
coherence cohesion
Use a range of linking words and phrases to effectively organize the essay and show the relationships between ideas.
coherence cohesion
Write a conclusion that neatly summarizes the main points and reiterates the thesis statement.
task achievement
Fully address the prompt by detailing both advantages and disadvantages equally, and ensure that the response is fully developed with clear and comprehensive ideas.
task achievement
Incorporate specific, relevant examples to support main points and make the essay more persuasive.
task achievement
Address the nuances of the statement, acknowledging that while hard work is a factor, success can be influenced by other variables which should also be reflected in your essay.

Answer the 'Advantages and Disadvantages' topic

IELTS advantages and disadvantages questions normally give you a statement and ask you to comment on the advantages and disadvantages of that statement.

Answer structure for the type of essay

  • Introduction
  • Body paragraph 1 – advantages
  • Body paragraph 2 – disadvantages
  • Conclusion

Examples to start your body paragraph:

  • The main advantage is...
  • The disadvantage of this...
  • The main benefit...
  • Despite these advantages...
  • One possible drawback...

Discover more tips in The Ultimate Guide to Get a Target Band Score of 7+ »— a book that's free for 🚀 Premium users.

Topic Vocabulary:
  • achieve
  • try hard
  • positive mindset
  • self-belief
  • motivates
  • ambitious goals
  • resilience
  • determination
  • confidence
  • self-esteem
  • growth mindset
  • unrealistic expectations
  • disappointment
  • failure
  • effort
  • hard work
  • seek support
  • individual differences
  • abilities
  • capabilities
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