IELTS Writing Correction Service
Writing Samples
Band 4

. Some people think that men are naturally more competitive than women. To what extent do you agree or disagree?

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In
this
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 modern era, a part of society believes that
males
Use synonyms
 inherit better competitive skills rather than
Females
Use synonyms
while
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,
Remove the comma
apply
show examples
 others reject the notion. Well, I agree with the former view so, I will explain the reasons behind
this
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 in upcoming paragraphs.
Thus
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, will lead to a logical conclusion as well. There are various reasons to support the view and the most prominent one is that
men
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 have a stronger physical body than
women
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 which is of great use to lift heavy weight.
Therefore
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, most of the construction
as well as
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mining
Add an article
the mining
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 labour force
is consists
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consists
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 of boys over girls.
Furthermore
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, it is strongly believed that
men
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 not only have
a
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apply
show examples
good physical strength but
also
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,
they
Correct pronoun usage
apply
show examples
have a more rigid mind that helps them to think practically rather than emotionally.
For instance
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, In India, the army contains 90
percent
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per cent
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 of
males
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 over only 10
percent
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per cent
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 of
females
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.
Moreover
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, at the country's borders, there
is
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are
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 no
women
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 on duty only the
men
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 are given border duty to protect the country from enemies.
Therefore
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, in
this
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 competition, ladies can never beat
men
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due to
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 their strong abilities.
However
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, with the development of most nations of the globe
females
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 are no longer dominated by the stronger section of society because
females
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 are applying for highly qualified jobs
such
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 as professors, accountants and even though the current president of India is
also
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 a lady.
Hence
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,
females
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 are stepping on
males
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' games and are trying to give
a
Correct article usage
apply
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tough competition to boys in certain fields.
To conclude
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,
according to
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 the reasons aforementioned above one can reach to logical conclusion that
men
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 are ahead in the game of life when compared to
women
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 but in the present era,
women
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 are trying to beat
males
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 in certain jobs.

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coherence cohesion
Your essay should have a clear and logical structure. Organize your ideas into paragraphs, each with a clear central topic. Use transitional words and phrases to connect the paragraphs and ideas smoothly. Your essay lacked coherent transitions and clear topic sentences which made it challenging to follow your argument.
task achievement
Make sure to fully address the task. Present a clear opinion and extend your ideas with explanations and examples. While your essay takes a clear position, it would benefit from more developed arguments and a balanced discussion of both sides. Your examples were relevant but not fully developed in supporting your arguments. Consider adding more nuances to your discussion to establish a more comprehensive response.
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