IELTS Writing Correction Service
Writing Samples
Band 4.5

Nowadays in many countries young people leave rural areas to study or work in cities. What are the reasons for this? Do the benefits of this outweigh the disadvantages?

#countries #people #areas #study #work #cities #outweigh
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These days in numerous countries, young
people
Use synonyms
 immigrate from rural areas to
cities
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 to study or work. Immigration can bring enormous consequences for governments and society.
This
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 essay will consider the reason for that and specify why it is a negative trend. The main reason why young
people
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 go to big
cities
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 is that there are more job opportunities in
cities
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 than
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in suburb
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suburb
Fix the agreement mistake
suburbs
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 and there are
also
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 various types of jobs with generous benefits and high income.
In addition
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,
quality
Correct article usage
the quality
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 of life in
cities
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 cannot be compared with rural areas
due to
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people
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 in
cities
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 have access to perfect healthcare and public transportation.
For instance
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, significant numbers of
people
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 have immigrated from
suburb
Add an article
a suburb
the suburb
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 of Tehran to
cities
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 and the population of Tehran is increasing day by day.
Therefore
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, it can be certainly said that there are many factors involved when talking about the motives for immigrating from rural areas to
cities
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 on the part of young
people
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.
On the other hand
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,
this
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 is considered to be an undesirable development.
Firstly
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, since many
people
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 have immigrated to
cities
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, the number of
people
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 who live in
cities
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 has rocketed and it
causes
Wrong verb form
has caused
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 to
grow
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growth
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traffic
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in traffic
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 and carbon footprint.
Moreover
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, it would lead to destroy natural habitats
such
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 as plastic debris and deforestation for construction. So, it is clear why it is all about
negative
Correct article usage
the negative
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 aspects
regarding
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of
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 excessive immigration.
To sum up
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, there are multiple reasons
involved
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apply
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why young
people
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 tend to immigrate to
cities
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 more than expected, and it could be safely said that it is a negative development and needs to be taken more seriously.
Submitted by behshad_arabzadeh on

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Coherence & Cohesion
Your essay lacks a clear logical structure, as your points are not presented in a consistently logical order. Consider planning your essay with clear topic sentences at the beginning of each paragraph that correspond to the argument or point you are trying to make. Each paragraph should also follow a clear progression of ideas.
Coherence & Cohesion
While you have an introduction and a conclusion in your essay, they are not fully effective. Your introduction could better paraphrase the question and outline your argument. Your conclusion should summarise the main points without introducing new information. Ensure that your opening and closing statements are clear and mirror each other in content and structure.
Task Achievement
The examples you have used are relevant, but they lack development. Use specific and detailed examples to effectively support your main points. This will add depth to your arguments and assist in illustrating your points more convincingly.
Task Achievement
Your response to the task partially covers the prompt, yet it does not fully develop the comparison between the advantages and disadvantages, which is required by the question. Make sure that you address all parts of the task and provide a balanced discussion before issuing a clear opinion.
Task Achievement
While you have presented ideas related to the topic, they appear to be listed rather than explained in depth. Aim to explore each main idea thoroughly, demonstrating your understanding and ability to discuss the question critically.

Your opinion

Don’t put your opinion unless you are asked to give it.

If the question asks what you think, you MUST give your opinion to get a good score.

Don’t leave your opinion until the conclusion.

Here are examples of instructions that require you to give your opinion:

...do you agree or disagree?...do you think...?...your opinion...?

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Topic Vocabulary:
  • urbanization
  • rural exodus
  • job market
  • academic institutions
  • cultural diversity
  • infrastructure
  • metropolitan
  • traditional values
  • overpopulation
  • innovation
  • networking opportunities
  • telecommuting
  • quality of life
  • economic disparity
  • environmental degradation
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