In many countries, people are now living longer than ever before. Some people say an ageing population creates problems for governments. Other people think there are benefits if society has more elderly people. To what extent do the advantages of having an ageing population outweigh the disadvantages?

#countries #people #population #governments #society

With the advancement in medical technology, the average life expectancy

becomes

Wrong verb form

has become

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much longer than that in the past.

People

have a myriad of views about whether the ageing population brings more harm or benefits to society.

Although

there are several arguments in favour of the ageing phenomenon, I believe the advantages are still outweighed by the disadvantages.

This

will be proved by the analysis of its

advantage

Fix the agreement mistake

advantages

show examples

and followed by the impact on the government burden resulting from the ageing trend. Among all the benefits of having more elders in society, the first one

popping

Wrong verb form

that pops

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Change preposition

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mind is that social development can be fostered by elders' personal

experiences

. It is universally acknowledged that old

people

are usually eager to share their personal

experiences

with the young generations. Take,

for example

, some high schools invite elderly

people

who are working in various fields to tell their stories about their career paths. From the sharing, students can understand the full picture of a particular job and

therefore

it is more likely for them to make a wise choice regarding subject selection and future career. Never should we overlook the fact that personal

experiences

are essentially important to accumulate our wisdom to avoid committing the same mistakes in the future. Unlike any factual knowledge that we can simply look up on the internet, personal

experiences

are something even more valuable.

However

, it is undeniably true that the government burden will

Unnecessary verb

apply

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inevitably increase when a society is ageing. Elderly

people

are generally more vulnerable to various kinds of disease.

In particular

people

aged 65 or above are more likely to have chronic diseases, ranging from diabetes, heart disease, high blood pressure, and even cancers. The amount of medical resources required in treating chronic diseases creates a heavy burden on the government, be it the training of medical personnel or the acquisition of medical technology.

While

prolonged and intensive medical

supports

Fix the agreement mistake

support

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is vital to

elderly

Correct article usage

the elderly

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, it may reduce the amount of resources to be invested in other areas,

such

as education.

As a result

, it will be incontrovertibly detrimental to social development in the future. Under

this

line of thinking, though we can learn from the elders'

experiences

, we may not ignore the negative impact on

the

Correct article usage

apply

show examples

public resources in an ageing community.

Therefore

, the benefits of having an ageing population are believed to be outweighed by its drawbacks.

Submitted by jothyliu on Mon Nov 20 2023

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task achievement

The essay addresses the task and provides a clear position regarding the advantages and disadvantages of an ageing population. However, to improve the task achievement score, ensure that the response sufficiently addresses all parts of the prompt. Expand on the discussion of the advantages to match the depth given to the disadvantages, as this will present a more balanced argument.

coherence cohesion

Your essay generally exhibits a logical structure, with an introduction and conclusion and paragraphing that separates ideas. However, to enhance coherence and cohesion, make certain that there is a clear connection between the thesis and subsequent paragraphs. The progression of your argument can be improved with more sophisticated linking of ideas. Utilize a wider range of cohesive devices to demonstrate complex relationships between points.

Include an introduction and conclusion

A conclusion is essential for IELTS writing task 2. It is more important than most people realise. You will be penalised for missing a conclusion in your IELTS essay.

The easiest paragraph to write in an essay is the conclusion paragraph. This is because the paragraph mostly contains information that has already been presented in the essay – it is just the repetition of some information written in the introduction paragraph and supporting paragraphs.

The conclusion paragraph only has 3 sentences:

Summary
Restatement of thesis
Prediction or recommendation

Example:

To summarize, a robotic teacher does not have the necessary disciple to properly give instructions to students and actually works to retard the ability of a student to comprehend new lessons. Therefore, it is clear that the idea of running a classroom completely by a machine cannot be supported. After thorough analysis on this subject, it is predicted that the adverse effects of the debate over technology-driven teaching will always be greater than the positive effects, and because of this, classroom teachers will never be substituted for technology.

Start your conclusion with a linking phrase. Here are some examples:

In conclusion
To conclude
To summarize
Finally
In a nutshell
In general

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9Linking words
meeting the goal of 7 or more
2Word repetition
meeting the goal of 3 or fewer
8Grammar mistakes
 

4 paragraphs

395 words

5.00

Overall Band Score

Coherence and Cohesion: 6.0

Logical structure

Introduction & conclusion present

Supported main points

Accurate linking words

Variety in linking words

Lexical resource: 4.0

Varied vocabulary

Accurate spelling & word formation

Grammatical Range: 4.0

Mix of complex & simple sentences

Clear and correct grammar

Task Achievement: 5.0

Complete response

Clear & comprehensive ideas

Relevant & specific examples

Appropriate word count

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Topic Vocabulary:

ageing population
benefits
disadvantages
advantages
experience
knowledge
contribution
economy
society
healthcare
youth employment
community
intergenerational support
volunteerism
mentorship
increased demand
pension costs
social welfare systems
workforce
productivity
intergenerational conflict
technological adaptability
dependency
effective
skill development
employment opportunities
intergenerational solidarity
communication
lifelong learning
technological literacy
age-friendly
social policies
infrastructure

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