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Writing Samples
Band 5

In many countries, people are now living longer than ever before. Some people say an ageing population creates problems for governments. Other people think there are benefits if society has more elderly people. To what extent do the advantages of having an ageing population outweigh the disadvantages?

#countries #people #population #governments #society
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With the advancement in medical technology, the average life expectancy
becomes
Wrong verb form
has become
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 much longer than that in the past.
People
Use synonyms
 have a myriad of views about whether the ageing population brings more harm or benefits to society.
Although
Linking Words
 there are several arguments in favour of the ageing phenomenon, I believe the advantages are still outweighed by the disadvantages.
This
Linking Words
 will be proved by the analysis of its
advantage
Fix the agreement mistake
advantages
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 and followed by the impact on the government burden resulting from the ageing trend. Among all the benefits of having more elders in society, the first one
popping
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that pops
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in
Change preposition
to
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 mind is that social development can be fostered by elders' personal
experiences
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. It is universally acknowledged that old
people
Use synonyms
 are usually eager to share their personal
experiences
Use synonyms
 with the young generations. Take,
for example
Linking Words
, some high schools invite elderly
people
Use synonyms
 who are working in various fields to tell their stories about their career paths. From the sharing, students can understand the full picture of a particular job and
therefore
Linking Words
 it is more likely for them to make a wise choice regarding subject selection and future career. Never should we overlook the fact that personal
experiences
Use synonyms
 are essentially important to accumulate our wisdom to avoid committing the same mistakes in the future. Unlike any factual knowledge that we can simply look up on the internet, personal
experiences
Use synonyms
 are something even more valuable.
However
Linking Words
, it is undeniably true that the government burden will
be
Unnecessary verb
apply
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inevitably increase when a society is ageing. Elderly
people
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 are generally more vulnerable to various kinds of disease.
In particular
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,
people
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 aged 65 or above are more likely to have chronic diseases, ranging from diabetes, heart disease, high blood pressure, and even cancers. The amount of medical resources required in treating chronic diseases creates a heavy burden on the government, be it the training of medical personnel or the acquisition of medical technology.
While
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 prolonged and intensive medical
supports
Fix the agreement mistake
support
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 is vital to
elderly
Correct article usage
the elderly
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, it may reduce the amount of resources to be invested in other areas,
such
Linking Words
 as education.
As a result
Linking Words
, it will be incontrovertibly detrimental to social development in the future. Under
this
Linking Words
 line of thinking, though we can learn from the elders'
experiences
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, we may not ignore the negative impact on
the
Correct article usage
apply
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public resources in an ageing community.
Therefore
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, the benefits of having an ageing population are believed to be outweighed by its drawbacks.
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task achievement
The essay addresses the task and provides a clear position regarding the advantages and disadvantages of an ageing population. However, to improve the task achievement score, ensure that the response sufficiently addresses all parts of the prompt. Expand on the discussion of the advantages to match the depth given to the disadvantages, as this will present a more balanced argument.
coherence cohesion
Your essay generally exhibits a logical structure, with an introduction and conclusion and paragraphing that separates ideas. However, to enhance coherence and cohesion, make certain that there is a clear connection between the thesis and subsequent paragraphs. The progression of your argument can be improved with more sophisticated linking of ideas. Utilize a wider range of cohesive devices to demonstrate complex relationships between points.

Include an introduction and conclusion

A conclusion is essential for IELTS writing task 2. It is more important than most people realise. You will be penalised for missing a conclusion in your IELTS essay.

The easiest paragraph to write in an essay is the conclusion paragraph. This is because the paragraph mostly contains information that has already been presented in the essay – it is just the repetition of some information written in the introduction paragraph and supporting paragraphs.

The conclusion paragraph only has 3 sentences:

  • Summary
  • Restatement of thesis
  • Prediction or recommendation

Example:

To summarize, a robotic teacher does not have the necessary disciple to properly give instructions to students and actually works to retard the ability of a student to comprehend new lessons. Therefore, it is clear that the idea of running a classroom completely by a machine cannot be supported. After thorough analysis on this subject, it is predicted that the adverse effects of the debate over technology-driven teaching will always be greater than the positive effects, and because of this, classroom teachers will never be substituted for technology.

Start your conclusion with a linking phrase. Here are some examples:

  • In conclusion
  • To conclude
  • To summarize
  • Finally
  • In a nutshell
  • In general

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Topic Vocabulary:
  • ageing population
  • benefits
  • disadvantages
  • advantages
  • experience
  • knowledge
  • contribution
  • economy
  • society
  • healthcare
  • youth employment
  • community
  • intergenerational support
  • volunteerism
  • mentorship
  • increased demand
  • pension costs
  • social welfare systems
  • workforce
  • productivity
  • intergenerational conflict
  • technological adaptability
  • dependency
  • effective
  • skill development
  • employment opportunities
  • intergenerational solidarity
  • communication
  • lifelong learning
  • technological literacy
  • age-friendly
  • social policies
  • infrastructure
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