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Writing Samples
Band 7

The pie charts show the number of hours spent in a British university library by undergraduates, postgraduates and the total student population.

The pie charts show the number of hours spent in a British university library by undergraduates, postgraduates and the total student population.
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The two pie charts illustrate the types of employment patterns taken by males and females in Great Britain. The profession divisions are divided into manual and
non manual
Add a hyphen
non-manual
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 groups
and
Correct word choice
apply
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each of which represents three types of
job
Fix the agreement mistake
jobs
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.
According to
Linking Words
 the chart,
women
Use synonyms
 mostly worked in non-manual
zone
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zones
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whereas
Linking Words
man
Fix the agreement mistake
men
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 opted for manual work.
It is clear that
Linking Words
 craft, managerial and professional, and other
manual
Fix the agreement mistake
manuals
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 showed very good results in both.
However
Linking Words
, compared to others, none of them sparked interest in general labourers. To start with male workers, almost half pursued managerial and professional careers. The second most common field for them was craftsmanship.
In contrast
Linking Words
 to
women
Use synonyms
, the proportion of men in other manual jobs was significantly higher, accounting for about a quarter.
Additionally
Linking Words
, 6% of men were in clerical or other non-manual roles,
while
Linking Words
 only 2% were general labourers.
Initially
Linking Words
, nearly a third of female workers were employed in clerical or related roles.
In addition
Linking Words
, 29% held positions as managers or professionals.
Furthermore
Linking Words
 , 27% of
women
Use synonyms
 were involved in crafting,
while
Linking Words
 only 9% worked in other non-manual sectors.
Subsequently
Linking Words
, a very small percentage of
women
Use synonyms
 opted for general
labor
Change the spelling
labour
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 and other manual work.

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Linking words: Don't use the same linking words: "while".
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Vocabulary: Replace the words women with synonyms.
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Vocabulary: The word "charts" was used 2 times.
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