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Band 5

Many childhood diseases can now be prevented through the use of vaccines. Should parents be made by law to immunise their children against common diseases or should individuals have the right to choose not to immunise their children?

#childhood #diseases #vaccines #parents #law #immunise #children #individuals #right
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Nowadays many
vaccinations
Use synonyms
 help children to not get sick. Some
people
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 argue that families should be free to decide what’s better for them, but I strongly believe that the government should intervene and make some medical treatment mandatory. Even though it is essential to respect everyone’s ideas, I have no doubt that
immunisation
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 is really important to save many
people
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's lives.
Firstly
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, vaccines were useful to wipe out a wide range of illnesses,
such
Linking Words
 as polio and smallpox.
In
Linking Words
addition
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addition,
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 vaccines protect many
people
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 against infectious
disease
Fix the agreement mistake
diseases
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.
As a consequence
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, a lot of children have been saved and the rate of infant mortality plummeted.
Linking Words
Furthermore
Add a comma
Furthermore,
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 the matter of medical care was recently shown: the outbreak of the Covid-19 pandemic was only stopped thanks to mass vaccination. When it comes to vaccines, a common topic is safety. On one
hand
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hand,
show examples
 a lot of parents are afraid of
side
Correct article usage
the side
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 effects of
immunisation
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 but on the other childhood
vaccinations
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 are thoroughly tested.
Therefore
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 families should not be worried
of
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about
show examples
 a severe allergic reaction.
Moreover
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, there is no correlation between illnesses,
such
Linking Words
 as autism, and jabs. I think that the government should improve the information about these kinds of medical treatments. If
people
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 were more aware
about
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of
show examples
vaccinations
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, they wouldn’t be scared of the unknown and wouldn’t believe in fake news.
To sum
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up
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up,
show examples
 with what I said before, I am sure that
immunisation
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 could prevent a lot of illnesses.
Furthermore
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, there is no proof that
vaccinations
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 are harmful to young children.
As a
Linking Words
result
Add a comma
result,
show examples
 politicians should teach families
on
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about
show examples
 health and make mandatory childhood
immunisation
Use synonyms
.
Submitted by trrapmala on

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coherence cohesion
Ensure that your essay maintains a clear and organized structure, with distinct introduction, body, and conclusion paragraphs. Use cohesive devices appropriately to connect ideas and paragraphs smoothly, but be cautious of overusing them or using them incorrectly.
task achievement
When addressing the essay prompt, make sure to cover all aspects of the question and present a well-rounded argument. Your ideas should be both clear and comprehensive, providing ample support in the form of explanations, examples, or evidence. Avoid repeating points without adding substantial value to your argument.

Support ideas with relevant, specific examples

Examples make your writing easier to understand by illustrating points more effectively.

Examples, if used properly, not only help you get higher marks for ‘Task Response’ but also for ‘Coherence’.

When giving examples it is best to put them after your main idea or topic sentence. They can be used in the middle of supporting sentences or they can be used to start a new sentence. There is no rule for where exactly to give examples in essays, logically they would come after your main idea/topic sentence or just after a supporting sentence.

Linking words for giving examples:

  • for example
  • for instance
  • to illustrate this
  • to give a clear example
  • such as
  • namely
  • to illustrate
  • take, for example

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