Some say that parents should encourage their children to take part in organized group activities in their spare time. Others say that it is important for children to learn how to occupy themselves on their own. Discuss both views and give your own opinion.

✨ Do you want to improve your IELTS writing?
Nowadays, there are many methods associated with the raising progress of
children
Use synonyms
. Some people say that it is important for
children
Use synonyms
to learn how to occupy themselves on their own in
the
Change the word
their
show examples
free
time
Use synonyms
.
However
Linking Words
, in my point of view, parents should encourage
children
Use synonyms
to take part in organized
group
Use synonyms
activities
Use synonyms
.
This
Linking Words
essay is going to clarify these opinions. On the one hand, learning how to resolve issues independently in
young
Correct article usage
the young
show examples
generation is an essential
skill
Use synonyms
even in
a
Correct article usage
apply
show examples
school or
a
Correct article usage
apply
show examples
real life.
For example
Linking Words
, some
researches
Fix the agreement mistake
research
show examples
figure
Correct subject-verb agreement
figures
show examples
out that 70%
excellent
Change preposition
of excellent
show examples
learners try to gain
this
Linking Words
skill
Use synonyms
because
the
Correct article usage
apply
show examples
proactiveness helps them
observing
Wrong verb form
to observe their
show examples
knowledges
Fix the agreement mistake
knowledge
show examples
easily.
In addition
Linking Words
, the initiative can attract people
addressing
Change the verb form
to address
show examples
problems by themselves,
therefore
Linking Words
, the
making-decision
Correct your spelling
decision-making
show examples
ability
are
Change the verb form
is
show examples
also
Linking Words
developed based on
this
Linking Words
skill
Use synonyms
.
On the other hand
Linking Words
, in my opinion, parents should
facilitate
Verb problem
encourage
show examples
their babies to join
group
Use synonyms
activities
Use synonyms
in their leisure
time
Use synonyms
.
Firstly
Linking Words
,
group
Use synonyms
activities
Use synonyms
are usually help
Change the verb form
usually help
show examples
to avoid electronic equipment.
Accordingly
Linking Words
, they can help them to protect
children
Use synonyms
's health and increase the immune system.
Furthermore
Linking Words
, taking part in a team can help them
improving
Wrong verb form
improve
show examples
social and
team-work
Correct your spelling
teamwork
show examples
Use synonyms
skill
Fix the agreement mistake
skills
show examples
. Both of these skills are significantly enhancing the learning path or working career.
Thus
Linking Words
,
group
Use synonyms
activities
Use synonyms
can facilitate the creation and reduce
stresses
Fix the agreement mistake
stress
show examples
.
Hence
Linking Words
, by contributing the
group
Use synonyms
activities
Use synonyms
in
spare
Correct pronoun usage
my spare
show examples
time
Use synonyms
may gain
the
Correct article usage
apply
show examples
overwhelming achievements. In conclusion, joining
group
Use synonyms
activities
Use synonyms
in
Correct pronoun usage
my spare
show examples
spare
Correct pronoun usage
my spare
show examples
time
Use synonyms
or
Wrong verb form
learning
show examples
learn
Wrong verb form
learning
show examples
how to occupy independently are both necessary skills. Proactivity can help to
learning
Change the verb form
learn
show examples
easily and improve the making-decision
Use synonyms
skill
Fix the agreement mistake
skills
show examples
.
However
Linking Words
, in my point of view,
encourage
Wrong verb form
encouraging
show examples
their
children
Use synonyms
to take part in organized
group
Use synonyms
activities
Use synonyms
in their spare
time
Use synonyms
can help to increase both physical and mental benefits that outweigh the proactive
skill
Use synonyms
.
Submitted by huong.bx on

Unauthorized use and/or duplication of this material without express and written permission from this site’s author and/or owner is strictly prohibited. Excerpts and links may be used, provided that full and clear credit is given to Writing9 with appropriate and specific direction to the original content.

task achievement
Ensure clarity in expressing your opinion. The position should be clear throughout, without contradictions. Your essay somewhat lacks this clarity.
task achievement
When discussing both views, allocate equal discussion and development to each view. Avoid partiality unless it is a clear part of your argument in the conclusion.
task achievement
Use specific examples to support your points, the essay lacks in providing concrete examples which makes the argument less convincing.
coherence cohesion
Ensure a logical flow between ideas, using clear paragraphing and cohesive devices. While some structure is present, there is room for improvement in logical sequencing and clearer paragraph transitions.
coherence cohesion
It is necessary to create a coherent argument with clear introduction and conclusion that mirror each other. The introduction and conclusion in this essay could be better linked to the content of the body paragraphs.
coherence cohesion
Each paragraph should contain one clear main idea, supported by explanations and/or examples. Some paragraphs in this essay amalgamate ideas which could potentially be separated for clearer understanding.

Use a variety of complex and simple sentences

You should use complex sentences in your writing, but it does not mean that you should try to make all of our sentences complex.

‘Complex’ sentences are not actually very complex; they are just two or more simple sentences put together. Putting them together makes the essay more coherent and cohesive.

Examples:

I really want to study but I’m too tired.

I wore a warm coat because the weather was cold.

If action is not taken soon on climate change, global warming will get worse.

Discover more tips in The Ultimate Guide to Get a Target Band Score of 7+ »— a book that's free for 🚀 Premium users.

What to do next:
Look at other essays: