Some say that parents should encourage their children to take part in organized group activities in their spare time. Others say that it is important for children to learn how to occupy themselves on their own. Discuss both views and give your own opinion.
Nowadays, there are many methods associated with the raising progress of
children
. Some people say that it is important for children
to learn how to occupy themselves on their own in the
free Change the word
their
time
. However
, in my point of view, parents should encourage children
to take part in organized group
activities
. This
essay is going to clarify these opinions.
On the one hand, learning how to resolve issues independently in young
generation is an essential Correct article usage
the young
skill
even in a
school or Correct article usage
apply
a
real life. Correct article usage
apply
For example
, some researches
Fix the agreement mistake
research
figure
out that 70% Correct subject-verb agreement
figures
excellent
learners try to gain Change preposition
of excellent
this
skill
because the
proactiveness helps them Correct article usage
apply
observing
Wrong verb form
to observe their
knowledges
easily. Fix the agreement mistake
knowledge
In addition
, the initiative can attract people addressing
problems by themselves, Change the verb form
to address
therefore
, the making-decision
ability Correct your spelling
decision-making
are
Change the verb form
is
also
developed based on this
skill
.
On the other hand
, in my opinion, parents should facilitate
their babies to join Verb problem
encourage
group
activities
in their leisure time
. Firstly
, group
activities
are usually help
to avoid electronic equipment. Change the verb form
usually help
Accordingly
, they can help them to protect children
's health and increase the immune system. Furthermore
, taking part in a team can help them improving
social and Wrong verb form
improve
team-work
Correct your spelling
teamwork
skill
. Both of these skills are significantly enhancing the learning path or working career. Fix the agreement mistake
skills
Thus
, group
activities
can facilitate the creation and reduce stresses
. Fix the agreement mistake
stress
Hence
, by contributing the group
activities
in spare
Correct pronoun usage
my spare
time
may gain the
overwhelming achievements.
In conclusion, joining Correct article usage
apply
group
activities
in Correct pronoun usage
my spare
spare
Correct pronoun usage
my spare
time
or Wrong verb form
learning
learn
how to occupy independently are both necessary skills. Proactivity can help to Wrong verb form
learning
learning
easily and improve the making-decision Change the verb form
learn
skill
. Fix the agreement mistake
skills
However
, in my point of view, encourage
their Wrong verb form
encouraging
children
to take part in organized group
activities
in their spare time
can help to increase both physical and mental benefits that outweigh the proactive skill
.Submitted by huong.bx on
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task achievement
Ensure clarity in expressing your opinion. The position should be clear throughout, without contradictions. Your essay somewhat lacks this clarity.
task achievement
When discussing both views, allocate equal discussion and development to each view. Avoid partiality unless it is a clear part of your argument in the conclusion.
task achievement
Use specific examples to support your points, the essay lacks in providing concrete examples which makes the argument less convincing.
coherence cohesion
Ensure a logical flow between ideas, using clear paragraphing and cohesive devices. While some structure is present, there is room for improvement in logical sequencing and clearer paragraph transitions.
coherence cohesion
It is necessary to create a coherent argument with clear introduction and conclusion that mirror each other. The introduction and conclusion in this essay could be better linked to the content of the body paragraphs.
coherence cohesion
Each paragraph should contain one clear main idea, supported by explanations and/or examples. Some paragraphs in this essay amalgamate ideas which could potentially be separated for clearer understanding.
Use a variety of complex and simple sentences
You should use complex sentences in your writing, but it does not mean that you should try to make all of our sentences complex.
‘Complex’ sentences are not actually very complex; they are just two or more simple sentences put together. Putting them together makes the essay more coherent and cohesive.
Examples:
I really want to study but I’m too tired.
I wore a warm coat because the weather was cold.
If action is not taken soon on climate change, global warming will get worse.
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