IELTS Writing Correction Service
Writing Samples
Band 4.5

In some countries, teenagers have part-time jobs while they are still at school. what benefits does this bring for the teenager? Are there any drawbacks?

#countries #teenagers #jobs #school #teenager
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Adults are working part-
time
 jobs and pursuing their education simultaneously.
This
 can be seen in some
part
Fix the agreement mistake
parts
show examples
 of the world. Despite leaving teenagers a minimum amount of
time
 to unwind
themselves
Correct pronoun usage
apply
show examples
, they are able to learn
the
Correct article usage
apply
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essential
money saving
Add a hyphen
money-saving
show examples
 skills and become better at
time-management
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time management
show examples
 and work ethics. There are numerous advantages for
adolscents
Correct your spelling
adolescents
 who are working less than 20
hours
 per week
while
 studying at
school
.
Firstly
,
this
 helps them develop a key quality to save money by knowing its value, which in turn they become good at
it
Correct pronoun usage
apply
show examples
, by acquiring
this
 skill and using it at
later
Add an article
a later
the later
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 stage of their lives.
for example
, I was able to save for my tuition fees by functioning as a
starbugs
Correct your spelling
Starbucks
 aaya during my
school
time
.
Secondly
, performing
such
 duties
allow
Correct subject-verb agreement
allows
show examples
oneself
Correct pronoun usage
one
show examples
 to adapt
the
Change preposition
to the
show examples
 work culture thereby enhancing their knowledge to learn and behave well in
professional
Add an article
a professional
show examples
 environment.
In addition
, it
also
 teaches them to be punctual and value their
time
 by trying to be productive.
For instance
, I myself was able to manage the
time
 better between assignment completion, exam
preaparation
Correct your spelling
preparation
 and doing
part-
Add an article
a part-time
show examples
time
 job.
However
, there is a drawback
for
Change preposition
to
show examples
 trying to manage the
school
 and working even for
few
Correct article usage
a few
show examples
hours
 a day. Having part-
time
 jobs
consume
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consumes
show examples
 the remaining
hours
 of the day for teenagers after
school
while
there
Correct pronoun usage
they
show examples
 are left with only a few
hours
for finishing
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to finish
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 their
home work
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homework
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 before going to bed.
Thus
 they may have no
time
 for relaxation and
getting
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get
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stressed-out
Correct your spelling
stressed out
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especially
Add the comma(s)
, especially
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 on working days.
Submitted by harini93.ind on

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coherence cohesion
Please ensure that your essay has a clear and logical structure. This includes the use of paragraphs to separate different points and ideas for clear transitions between them. Additionally, employ cohesive devices such as connectors, pronouns, and conjunctions to link sentences and paragraphs smoothly.
coherence cohesion
Your introduction and conclusion should clearly introduce the topic and provide a summation of your argument or stance, respectively. They serve as the conceptual frame for your essay. Avoid introducing new ideas in the conclusion that are not discussed in the body paragraphs.
coherence cohesion
Support each main point with relevant explanations or examples. Ensure that the examples are pertinent and enhance the argument. The examples should be drawn from a variety of sources to show a well-rounded understanding of the topic.
task achievement
Make sure you fully address all parts of the prompt. Expand upon your ideas to show a comprehensive understanding of the topic. The response should not only state an opinion but also explain it thoroughly.
task achievement
Work on developing your ideas clearly and comprehensively. Use precise language to convey your thoughts and support them with evidence or elaboration, which can demonstrate a deeper understanding of the topic.
task achievement
Use specific examples to support your points. These examples should be relevant and detailed, providing support to your argument. Avoid generalizations or hypothetical situations which may not effectively back up your claims.

Include an introduction and conclusion

A conclusion is essential for IELTS writing task 2. It is more important than most people realise. You will be penalised for missing a conclusion in your IELTS essay.

The easiest paragraph to write in an essay is the conclusion paragraph. This is because the paragraph mostly contains information that has already been presented in the essay – it is just the repetition of some information written in the introduction paragraph and supporting paragraphs.

The conclusion paragraph only has 3 sentences:

  • Summary
  • Restatement of thesis
  • Prediction or recommendation

Example:

To summarize, a robotic teacher does not have the necessary disciple to properly give instructions to students and actually works to retard the ability of a student to comprehend new lessons. Therefore, it is clear that the idea of running a classroom completely by a machine cannot be supported. After thorough analysis on this subject, it is predicted that the adverse effects of the debate over technology-driven teaching will always be greater than the positive effects, and because of this, classroom teachers will never be substituted for technology.

Start your conclusion with a linking phrase. Here are some examples:

  • In conclusion
  • To conclude
  • To summarize
  • Finally
  • In a nutshell
  • In general

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