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Band 2

Cultural shock is a growing-phenomena in migrants. What are its causes and effects on migrant?

#shock #growing-phenomena #migrants #effects
In the modern days,
video
game
Fix the agreement mistake
games
show examples
 are not strange with people, especially children.
Video
games
 are a common entertainment for children, it's a fun platform for children.
Firstly
,
video
games
 cause
eyes
Change the noun form
eye
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 problems as kids
spent
Wrong verb form
spend
show examples
numerous
Fix the agreement mistake
a lot of
show examples
 time sitting in front of the screen,
the
Correct word choice
and the
show examples
 lights from the screen badly harm their eyes.
Secondly
,
video
games
 can lead them to a sedentary life as they use their time to play
video
games
instead
 of engaging in outdoor activities.
Thirdly
,
in
Change preposition
at
show examples
 their age, they should join classes learning new things
such
 as piano class, drawing
clas
Fix the agreement mistake
class
show examples
 or learning new skills
depend
Wrong verb form
depending
show examples
 on their hobbies.
Lastly
, kids can
be
Unnecessary verb
apply
show examples
lack
of
Change preposition
apply
show examples
connection with their parents because of
video
games
, when they play too
much
Correct quantifier usage
many
show examples
video
games
, they tend to focus only on
video
games
 without bonding with their family, which badly
affect
Correct subject-verb agreement
affects
show examples
 family connection. All in all,
video
games
 are a fun mean of entertainment,
somehow
Correct word choice
but somehow
show examples
it
Correct pronoun usage
they
show examples
 causes
many
Replace the quantifier
much
show examples
 harm
for
Change preposition
to
show examples
 kids, parents should limit their
child
Change noun form
children's
show examples
 time
on
Change preposition
apply
show examples
playing
video
games
.
Submitted by baonguyet3110 on

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coherence cohesion
Ensure clear distinctions between paragraphs and use a variety of cohesive devices to enhance logical progression in the essay. Apart from basic linking words like 'firstly' and 'secondly,' employ a range of complex structures and synonyms.
coherence cohesion
Include both an introductory and conclusive paragraph to frame your arguments effectively. The introduction should paraphrase the question and state your overall position. The conclusion should summarize your main points without introducing new ideas.
task achievement
Expand your main points with detailed examples and explanations to strengthen your arguments. Make sure your examples are specific, relevant, and support the point being made in each paragraph.
task achievement
Address all parts of the task, ensuring you fully respond to the question prompt, avoiding deviation from the topic. Your response should be directly relevant to all aspects of the prompt, discussing both causes and effects, for instance.
task achievement
Clarify and develop your ideas to offer a deeper understanding of the issue. Avoid superficial statements by elaborating on your thoughts and demonstrating critical thinking.

Include an introduction and conclusion

A conclusion is essential for IELTS writing task 2. It is more important than most people realise. You will be penalised for missing a conclusion in your IELTS essay.

The easiest paragraph to write in an essay is the conclusion paragraph. This is because the paragraph mostly contains information that has already been presented in the essay – it is just the repetition of some information written in the introduction paragraph and supporting paragraphs.

The conclusion paragraph only has 3 sentences:

  • Summary
  • Restatement of thesis
  • Prediction or recommendation

Example:

To summarize, a robotic teacher does not have the necessary disciple to properly give instructions to students and actually works to retard the ability of a student to comprehend new lessons. Therefore, it is clear that the idea of running a classroom completely by a machine cannot be supported. After thorough analysis on this subject, it is predicted that the adverse effects of the debate over technology-driven teaching will always be greater than the positive effects, and because of this, classroom teachers will never be substituted for technology.

Start your conclusion with a linking phrase. Here are some examples:

  • In conclusion
  • To conclude
  • To summarize
  • Finally
  • In a nutshell
  • In general

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