IELTS Writing Correction Service
Writing Samples
Band 6

You should spend about 40 minutes on this task. Many people believe that media coverage of celebrities is having a negative effect on children. To what extent do you agree? You should write at least 254 words.

#minutes #people #media #coverage #celebrities #effect #children
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In the age of technology and development, it becomes impossible to abandon social networking sites. Some people think that media coverage of famous
persons
Replace the word
people
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 is having a disadvantageous impact on children,
while
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 others differ on
this
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 matter. I completely agree that kids may be influenced by their favourite bloggers, and I will be discussing my point of view more in
this
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 essay.
Firstly
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, since we were kids, we used to have a special person to act like, and to love.
Moreover
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, platforms today affect youngsters and teenagers more than before, through the videos they display and their memes.
Therefore
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, with these actions , the child just wants to become like his or her idol.
For instance
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, when they go to school, all they need is to get the attention of all students.
Secondly
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, teen boys or girls will be lazy in everything, especially in studying,
that is
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 because they clearly can see their celebrities gaining money and success without education.
Apart from
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this
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,
according to
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 the BBC News statistics, 70% of young age groups spend overtime on screens.
consequently
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,
this
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 leads to wasted time and early health problems. In conclusion, whether you are young or an adult, websites have negative and positive impacts. The programs must be beneficial.
Instead
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 of posting dump things, what about sharing the struggle of the celebrities,
that
Correct pronoun usage
which
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 might encourage individuals to work harder to be like them
.
Change the punctuation
?
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 We must know who we are following, in order not to affect us negatively, parents always should monitor their children's behaviour.
Hence
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, be smart and a proper user.
Submitted by shireen.asadi on

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coherence cohesion
The essay has an adequate logical structure overall, but transitions between ideas could be smoother for enhanced readability.
coherence cohesion
An introduction and conclusion are present, but make sure that they clearly outline the main points and summarise the argument.
coherence cohesion
Support your main points with more specific and varied examples. This will strengthen the argument.
task achievement
The response to the task is relevant and the main idea is clear, but the focus should remain consistently on how the media coverage specifically affects children negatively.
task achievement
Develop ideas more comprehensively by exploring the impact of media on children in more depth. This could include psychological, social, or educational effects.
task achievement
Provide more concrete, specific examples to support your points. Use studies, statistics, or anecdotal evidence to enhance the persuasiveness of your argument.
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