IELTS Writing Correction Service /
Writing Samples /
Band 5.5

In many countries around the world, rural people are moving to cities, so the population in the countryside is decreasing. Do you think this is a positive or a negative development?

#countries #world #people #cities #population #countryside #development
In recent years, there have been numerous suburban people who have moved to
cities
.
Due to
this
, the rural areas population are declining. As
such
, there are merits and demerits to
this
 condition,
although
 I opine that its demerits outweigh the merits. In
this
 essay, I will examine all the relevant arguments based on factual premises. Nowadays, the population of rural areas especially young communities prefer to migrate to
cities
 because of the numerous opportunities in
cities
.
Moreover
, there are more job opportunities and numerous recreational places than the rural side.
In addition
, parents who care about their children's education prefer to move to
cities
;
therefore
 their children will get better education.
However
,
this
 condition creates new problems in the city because of overpopulation. Numerous schools in the suburb must be closed
as a result
 of there being no students anymore.
Moreover
, increased crime prevalence in the city;
due to
, tight competition in looking for jobs.
Furthermore
, being unemployed for a long time creates suicidal thoughts for some people because of depression. In conclusion, opening new opportunities in rural areas can help to decrease unemployment.
Moreover
, moving to big
cities
 does not ensure that there would be more chances to grow up.
Submitted by gladysdharmawan1994 on

Unauthorized use and/or duplication of this material without express and written permission from this site’s author and/or owner is strictly prohibited. Excerpts and links may be used, provided that full and clear credit is given to Writing9 with appropriate and specific direction to the original content.

coherence cohesion
The essay lacks a cohesive structure with clear topic sentences that demarcate each paragraph's main idea. Using transitional phrases and clear topic sentences would enhance the logical flow of information.
coherence cohesion
The introduction and conclusion are present, but they could be improved with sharper thesis statements and a recapitulation of the main ideas presented. Always restate your position in the conclusion for maximum impact.
coherence cohesion
The main points are supported, but the supporting information sometimes lacks depth. Develop each point with examples and explanations to demonstrate a full understanding of the topic.
task achievement
The response to the task is somewhat complete. However, the discussion of the topic seems superficial. More in-depth analysis and a clear stance throughout the essay are needed.
task achievement
Some ideas are clear, but the overall essay would benefit from better organization and further development of concepts. Expanding on ideas and providing more detailed discussion could improve comprehensiveness.
task achievement
Examples used are relevant, but they lack specificity and detail. Elaborate on examples to illustrate your points more effectively and make your argument more persuasive.

Fully explain your ideas

To get an excellent score in the IELTS Task 2 writing section, one of the easiest and most effective tips is structuring your writing in the most solid format. A great argument essay structure may be divided to four paragraphs, in which comprises of four sentences (excluding the conclusion paragraph, which comprises of three sentences).

For we to consider an essay structure a great one, it should be looking like this:

  • Paragraph 1 - Introduction
    • Sentence 1 - Background statement
    • Sentence 2 - Detailed background statement
    • Sentence 3 - Thesis
    • Sentence 4 - Outline sentence
  • Paragraph 2 - First supporting paragraph
    • Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
    • Sentence 2 - Example
    • Sentence 3 - Discussion
    • Sentence 4 - Conclusion
  • Paragraph 3 - Second supporting paragraph
    • Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
    • Sentence 2 - Example
    • Sentence 3 - Discussion
    • Sentence 4 - Conclusion
  • Paragraph 4 - Conclusion
    • Sentence 1 - Summary
    • Sentence 2 - Restatement of thesis
    • Sentence 3 - Prediction or recommendation

Our recommended essay structure above comprises of fifteen (15) sentences, which will make your essay approximately 250 to 275 words.

Discover more tips in The Ultimate Guide to Get a Target Band Score of 7+ »— a book that's free for 🚀 Premium users.

Topic Vocabulary:
  • rural-to-urban migration
  • population shift
  • positive impact
  • negative impact
  • urbanization
  • job opportunities
  • access to education
  • access to healthcare
  • urban infrastructure
  • rural traditions
  • cultural heritage
What to do next:
Look at other essays: