IELTS Writing Correction Service /
Writing Samples /
Band 5

Universities should accept equal numbers of male and female students in every subject. To what extent do you agree or disagree?

#universities #numbers #students
It is claimed that salary is the most necessary factor to take into consideration when picking a speciality. In my opinion,
this
 is true that the salary is quite important in order to meet one’s financial needs for their daily
life
 and
also
 their
life
goals
 in general, but it is not the most important. The first and main factor is the possible lack of happiness coming from doing
the
Correct article usage
a
show examples
 job which you do not actually like. Imagine that every day you have to do certain things that you hate.
This
 would definitely affect your daily mood, stress level and relationships with your family, friends and colleagues as well. I surely believe
this
 type of person is waiting for the weekend during weekdays. Another point when setting the salary as your main priority
while
 choosing a field is ignoring your
life
goals
. There are people who have special
goals
such
 as reforming their nation, and their country, and
also
 dealing with charity stuff, helping people and so on. I think that if they prefer money to their
goals
, they will have inner unsatisfaction which can
also
 make them unhappy. In conclusion,
whereas
 money has some importance in our
life
, I support that when picking a job,
this
 definitely should not be at the top of our list in order to ensure happiness which surely is the most critical thing in a lifetime.
Submitted by yusifakhmad on

Unauthorized use and/or duplication of this material without express and written permission from this site’s author and/or owner is strictly prohibited. Excerpts and links may be used, provided that full and clear credit is given to Writing9 with appropriate and specific direction to the original content.

task achievement
The essay lacks a clear introduction that sets the context for the topic at hand. The opening statement does not introduce the topic of whether universities should accept equal numbers of male and female students in every subject. The essay does not address the given topic but instead diverges to discuss the importance of salary in choosing a job. This results in an essay that is off-topic and does not fulfill the task requirements. To improve, make sure to read the prompt carefully and remain focused on addressing the question directly throughout the essay.
coherence cohesion
The logical structure of the essay is weak because it does not follow the topic provided. Although the essay has an introduction and conclusion, they don't relate to the prompt about gender equality in university admissions. The body paragraphs seem to discuss a different topic (the importance of choosing a career based on passion versus salary), which does not provide a coherent argument about the initial topic. For improvement, create a clear thesis statement that directly answers the question and ensure all body paragraphs support that thesis with on-topic arguments and examples.

Fully explain your ideas

To get an excellent score in the IELTS Task 2 writing section, one of the easiest and most effective tips is structuring your writing in the most solid format. A great argument essay structure may be divided to four paragraphs, in which comprises of four sentences (excluding the conclusion paragraph, which comprises of three sentences).

For we to consider an essay structure a great one, it should be looking like this:

  • Paragraph 1 - Introduction
    • Sentence 1 - Background statement
    • Sentence 2 - Detailed background statement
    • Sentence 3 - Thesis
    • Sentence 4 - Outline sentence
  • Paragraph 2 - First supporting paragraph
    • Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
    • Sentence 2 - Example
    • Sentence 3 - Discussion
    • Sentence 4 - Conclusion
  • Paragraph 3 - Second supporting paragraph
    • Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
    • Sentence 2 - Example
    • Sentence 3 - Discussion
    • Sentence 4 - Conclusion
  • Paragraph 4 - Conclusion
    • Sentence 1 - Summary
    • Sentence 2 - Restatement of thesis
    • Sentence 3 - Prediction or recommendation

Our recommended essay structure above comprises of fifteen (15) sentences, which will make your essay approximately 250 to 275 words.

Discover more tips in The Ultimate Guide to Get a Target Band Score of 7+ »— a book that's free for 🚀 Premium users.

Essentional vocabulary list for IELTS Writing 7+

Learn how to write high-scoring essays with powerful words.
Download Free PDF and start improving you writing skills today!
Topic Vocabulary:
  • gender diversity
  • fostering innovation
  • educational experience
  • enforcing gender quotas
  • merit and potential
  • individual achievements
  • natural differences
  • gender equality
  • reducing gender stereotypes
  • balanced workforce
  • traditionally male-dominated or female-dominated fields
  • fluctuating applicant numbers
  • compromise on quality
  • diversity aspects
What to do next:
Look at other essays: