IELTS Writing Correction Service
Writing Samples
Band 7

Young people are leaving their homes from rural areas to study or work in cities. What do you think are the reasons? Do the advantages of this development outweigh its disadvantages?

#people #homes #areas #study #work #cities #development
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Young adults often choose to migrate from rural villages to metropolitan areas, whether to pursue employment opportunities or
further
 their
education
.
This
 essay will elucidate several underlying reasons for
this
 trend and posit that the advantages outweigh the disadvantages for each migrant. In my honest opinion, the most notable reason is the stereotypes between rural and the
city
. In
this
 context, the
city
 is always related to a glamorous place with better economic prospects and a wealthier life. The urban area
also
 has a pivotal role in the countries' economy as there are many manufacturing areas, services, and government institutions. In stark contrast, a village is considered a less developed area. In regard to employability, villagers had limited job options and only focused on agricultural sectors.
As a result
, it drives young villagers to migrate as it offers more employment opportunities.
Additionally
, moving to the urban has a notable advantage. It gives young people a life-changing experience by exploring jobs and
education
 opportunities. Economically speaking, the urban has higher wages
as well as
 a high distribution of universities.
For instance
, Jakarta has more than 40 public universities and monthly minimum wages are around IDR5 million.
However
, there is a drawback which is the
city
's living cost
that is
 much different from their small town. To illustrate, it triples as much as rural living costs. On top of that, I reckon that challenges will be well paid off in the future by their working or
education
 achievements.
To sum up
, the stereotype in society about inequality between both areas leads to motivation to migrate from rural to urban, especially when they already graduated from school. Comparing the disadvantages and advantages, migrating to the
city
 will bring more benefits to young people as it contributes to their robust career journey and
education
 progression.
Submitted by saynah_ on

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coherence cohesion
Ensure you have a clear and structured introduction, body paragraphs, and conclusion. Each section should have a clear purpose and lead smoothly from one to the next.
coherence cohesion
Develop your main points with supporting details and examples. Each paragraph should have a clear central idea and be expanded upon with specific information.
task achievement
Carefully read the task and make sure your response fully addresses all parts of the question. Provide a balanced discussion if the question requires a discussion of advantages and disadvantages.
task achievement
Include clear and comprehensive ideas, making sure to explore each one without being too general or vague. Depth and clarity in presenting your ideas will help make your essay stronger.
task achievement
Use relevant and specific examples to substantiate your points. Generic statements without supportive evidence will not showcase the full depth of your knowledge or argumentation.

Support ideas with relevant, specific examples

Examples make your writing easier to understand by illustrating points more effectively.

Examples, if used properly, not only help you get higher marks for ‘Task Response’ but also for ‘Coherence’.

When giving examples it is best to put them after your main idea or topic sentence. They can be used in the middle of supporting sentences or they can be used to start a new sentence. There is no rule for where exactly to give examples in essays, logically they would come after your main idea/topic sentence or just after a supporting sentence.

Linking words for giving examples:

  • for example
  • for instance
  • to illustrate this
  • to give a clear example
  • such as
  • namely
  • to illustrate
  • take, for example

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Topic Vocabulary:
  • Migration
  • Urbanization
  • Educational institutions
  • Job prospects
  • Wages
  • Economic growth
  • Cultural exchange
  • Overpopulation
  • Cost of living
  • Rural depopulation
  • Social isolation
  • Traditional values
  • Personal growth
  • Recreational activities
What to do next:
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