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Writing Samples
Band 6.5

The line graph illustrates three different kinds of crimes that occurred in Newport City center between 2003 and 2012.

The line graph illustrates three different kinds of crimes that occurred in Newport City center between 2003 and 2012.
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The graph below illustrates the snatching of the per
thousands
Fix the agreement mistake
thousand
show examples
vehicles
Use synonyms
 in four nations between 1990 and 1999.
Overall
Linking Words
, It can be seen that every country has had more than 5
vehicles
Use synonyms
 snatched per thousand
vehicles
Use synonyms
 within the given time frame.
Firstly
Linking Words
, from the outset, of 1990,
both
Use synonyms
 Great
Britain
Use synonyms
 and
Sweden
Use synonyms
 had the most cases of stolen
vehicles
Use synonyms
, which is approximately 17 and 9 respectively.
Then
Linking Words
 in 1991,
Sweden
Use synonyms
 showed slight improvement, whilst Great
Britain
Use synonyms
's numbers kept climbing.
Subsequently
Linking Words
, after 1991
Sweden
Use synonyms
 showed no improvement and in 1996 the numbers reached
to
Change preposition
apply
show examples
around 13.
On the other hand
Linking Words
,
Britain
Use synonyms
's performance tremendously improved as in 1994 it reached its all-time low number of that time, which was around 16.
Sweden
Use synonyms
 between 1996 to 1998 maintained constant
figures
Use synonyms
 of around 13.
Subsequently
Linking Words
, it reached 14 the highest the nation has had in 9 years.
Whereas
Linking Words
,
Britain
Use synonyms
's number after 1994 worsened reaching 20 in 1997,
then
Linking Words
 astounding developments resulted in
Britain
Use synonyms
 reaching 16.
Both
Use synonyms
 France and Canada have relatively better
figures
Use synonyms
 than
both
Use synonyms
Britain
Use synonyms
 and
Sweden
Use synonyms
. From the beginning,of 1990, Canada had thefts of around 7
vehicles
Use synonyms
 per 1000
vehicles
Use synonyms
, meanwhile, France had 6.
Both
Use synonyms
 nations faced many ups and downs between 1990 and 1999,
France
Change preposition
with France
show examples
 reaching its all-time lowest
figures
Use synonyms
 of 6 in 1993,
On the other
Linking Words
hand
Add the comma(s)
hand,
show examples
 Canada reached its all-time low
figures
Use synonyms
 of 5, two times, in 1994 and 1998. In the end,
Both
Use synonyms
 the nations had same number of thefts per 1000
vehicles
Use synonyms
, which is around 6.

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Linking words: Don't use the same linking words: "on the other hand, subsequently".
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Vocabulary: Replace the words vehicles, both, britain, sweden, figures with synonyms.
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Vocabulary: Rephrase the word "illustrates" in your introduction.
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Vocabulary: Rephrase the word "undefined" in your introduction.
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Vocabulary: The word "figures" was used 4 times.
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Vocabulary: The word "showed" was used 2 times.
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Vocabulary: The word "number of" was used 2 times.
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Vocabulary: The word "improvement" was used 2 times.
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Vocabulary: The word "reached" was used 4 times.
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Vocabulary: The word "around" was used 5 times.
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