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Band 4.5

Some people think computers and the Internet are important in children's study, but others think students can learn more effectively in schools and with teachers. Discuss both views and give your own opinion.

#people #computers #internet #children #study #students #schools #teachers
The invention of
computers
 and
internet
Correct article usage
the internet
show examples
 have changed the world widely over the past few years. It has
defintely
Correct your spelling
definitely
 had many advantages
as well as
 disadvantages
especially
Add the comma(s)
, especially
show examples
 to the younger generation in relation to studying. In my
opinon
Correct your spelling
opinion
,
although
computers
 and
Correct article usage
the internet
show examples
internet
Capitalize word
Internet
show examples
has
Change the verb form
have
show examples
 played an important role in
children
's study
and but
Correct word choice
apply
show examples
I truly believe that students can learn more effectively in
schoold
Correct your spelling
school
schools
 and with
teachers
. There are many benefits of learning in schools and with
teachers
.
Children
 will learn social
skills
 in which they learn to interact and communicate with
teachers
 and friends. Learning about respecting and how to treat each other politely and
kind
Change the word
kindly
show examples
. They will
also
 learn the importance of teamwork and the importance of working together in a team and how it can
benefi
Correct your spelling
benefit
 them.
Moreover
, learning in schools
also
 allows
children
 to build confidence as they will have the opportunity to ask questions, and learn how to solve problems.
Also
 teaches them not to be afraid to ask questions and not to be afraid to be wrong. These social
skills
, teamwork,
building
Correct word choice
and building
show examples
 of confidence are
life long
Correct your spelling
lifelong
show examples
skills
 that these
children
 will use in
their
Change the word
the
show examples
 future, at their workplaces, with their friends,
familities
Correct your spelling
families
.
However
, with the introduction of
computers
 and
internet
Correct article usage
the internet
show examples
, there are certain benefits as well. By using the
internet
,
children
 will be able
continuously
Fix the infinitive
to continuously
show examples
 learn new things
due to
 the widespread
of
Change preposition
apply
show examples
information that can be found
in
Change preposition
on
show examples
 the
internet
. As much as it can be informative and helps them build their general knowledge, there
are
Correct subject-verb agreement
is
show examples
also
 a lot of negative information that can
available
Add a missing verb
be available
show examples
 that might influence the
children
 to go on
wrong
Change the article
the wrong
show examples
 path as well. Not forgetting, once the
children
 are aware of
the
Correct article usage
apply
show examples
what can be found on the
internet
, using the computer can be a form of addiction as well.
Lastly
, too much
of
Change preposition
apply
show examples
screen time,
Correct word choice
and being
show examples
being expose
Change the verb form
being exposed
show examples
 to
the
Correct article usage
apply
show examples
computers
,
Remove the comma
apply
show examples
 can cause harm to their eyes at
such
 a young age as well.
To sum up
, I strongly believe
children
 will benefit more when they learn in schools and with
teachers
 as the
skills
 they learn will
last
 for a
lifelong
Correct word choice
long time
show examples
.
Submitted by jacintalynette on

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Coherence & Cohesion
You have demonstrated a basic logical structure in your essay, but need clearer transitions and better paragraphing to improve clarity and flow. Utilize a range of cohesive devices effectively and aim for a more sophisticated structure.
Task Achievement
Your response addresses the task, but your position and opinion should be clear in the introduction. Ensure all parts of the prompt are fully addressed throughout the essay. Strengthen your response by expanding on ideas with more detailed examples.

Fully explain your ideas

To get an excellent score in the IELTS Task 2 writing section, one of the easiest and most effective tips is structuring your writing in the most solid format. A great argument essay structure may be divided to four paragraphs, in which comprises of four sentences (excluding the conclusion paragraph, which comprises of three sentences).

For we to consider an essay structure a great one, it should be looking like this:

  • Paragraph 1 - Introduction
    • Sentence 1 - Background statement
    • Sentence 2 - Detailed background statement
    • Sentence 3 - Thesis
    • Sentence 4 - Outline sentence
  • Paragraph 2 - First supporting paragraph
    • Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
    • Sentence 2 - Example
    • Sentence 3 - Discussion
    • Sentence 4 - Conclusion
  • Paragraph 3 - Second supporting paragraph
    • Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
    • Sentence 2 - Example
    • Sentence 3 - Discussion
    • Sentence 4 - Conclusion
  • Paragraph 4 - Conclusion
    • Sentence 1 - Summary
    • Sentence 2 - Restatement of thesis
    • Sentence 3 - Prediction or recommendation

Our recommended essay structure above comprises of fifteen (15) sentences, which will make your essay approximately 250 to 275 words.

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