IELTS Writing Correction Service /
Writing Samples /
Band 3

A government has a citizen to ensure their safety. Therefore, some people think that the government should increase spending on defense but spend less on social benefits. To what extent do you agree?

#government #citizen #safety #people #defense
Every
government
 has their own defence system to protect the citizens of the nation.
Hence
, many people argue that
,
Remove the comma
apply
show examples
government
Add an article
the government
show examples
 should focus more on defence and spare less money for
social
Correct article usage
the social
show examples
well-beings
Correct your spelling
well-being
show examples
 and
benefits
Correct article usage
the benefits
show examples
 of the people.
However
, I am totally against
to
Change preposition
apply
show examples
this
 approach as spending less for people's social and economic development can be detrimental.
Firstly
, the
government
 should pay
mcuh
Correct your spelling
much
 attention to
children
Change noun form
children's
show examples
 education rather than only focusing on their safety. Children are the building stones for
next
Correct article usage
the next
show examples
 generation, and good education can nurture and enhance their talents and contribute back to the nation once they grow up as
individual
Fix the agreement mistake
individuals
show examples
.
Moreover
, good health is vital for every individual.
Government
 should seriously focus on the health sector to ensure quality
life
Change preposition
of life
show examples
 for their citizen. On top of that, enemies can make use
various
Change preposition
of various
show examples
virus
Fix the agreement mistake
viruses
show examples
 as weapons to attack the country.
For instance
, the recent
COVID 19
Add a hyphen
COVID-19
show examples
 spread from China to all the
ocuntries
Correct your spelling
countries
 over the world is a good example of showing the importance
to
Change preposition
of
show examples
 strong health sector facilities. In conclusion, a strong defence system is always important for every nation but
also
 a good balance of
soical
Correct your spelling
social
deveploment
Correct your spelling
development
 is equally essential.
Submitted by lakshmisnl5 on

Unauthorized use and/or duplication of this material without express and written permission from this site’s author and/or owner is strictly prohibited. Excerpts and links may be used, provided that full and clear credit is given to Writing9 with appropriate and specific direction to the original content.

coherence cohesion
Ensure that the introduction sets a clear context for the argument and succinctly states your position. Throughout the essay, use clear topic sentences to introduce paragraphs.
task achievement
Present a balanced view if the question prompts for discussion on both sides; develop arguments with clear explanations and relevant examples, even if your view leans towards one side.

Fully explain your ideas

To get an excellent score in the IELTS Task 2 writing section, one of the easiest and most effective tips is structuring your writing in the most solid format. A great argument essay structure may be divided to four paragraphs, in which comprises of four sentences (excluding the conclusion paragraph, which comprises of three sentences).

For we to consider an essay structure a great one, it should be looking like this:

  • Paragraph 1 - Introduction
    • Sentence 1 - Background statement
    • Sentence 2 - Detailed background statement
    • Sentence 3 - Thesis
    • Sentence 4 - Outline sentence
  • Paragraph 2 - First supporting paragraph
    • Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
    • Sentence 2 - Example
    • Sentence 3 - Discussion
    • Sentence 4 - Conclusion
  • Paragraph 3 - Second supporting paragraph
    • Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
    • Sentence 2 - Example
    • Sentence 3 - Discussion
    • Sentence 4 - Conclusion
  • Paragraph 4 - Conclusion
    • Sentence 1 - Summary
    • Sentence 2 - Restatement of thesis
    • Sentence 3 - Prediction or recommendation

Our recommended essay structure above comprises of fifteen (15) sentences, which will make your essay approximately 250 to 275 words.

Discover more tips in The Ultimate Guide to Get a Target Band Score of 7+ »— a book that's free for 🚀 Premium users.

Topic Vocabulary:
  • national security
  • vulnerable populations
  • societal stability
  • holistic approach
  • budget allocation
  • technological advancements
  • socio-economic consequences
  • crime rates
  • public health
  • education quality
  • economic strain
  • inequality
  • poverty
  • international alliances
  • diplomatic relations
  • military-industrial complex
  • ethical considerations
  • cyber security
  • intelligence agencies
  • traditional military force
What to do next:
Look at other essays: