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Band 4

The use of social media, such as Facebook and Twitter, is replacing face-to-face contact in this century. Do you think the advantages of this outweigh the disadvantages?

#media #facebook #twitter #contact #century #outweigh
Nowadays
people
 rely on
the
Correct article usage
apply
show examples
social
media
 to
interrupt
Verb problem
interact
show examples
 with
friends
 and families. More and more
people
 consider
this
trendency
Correct your spelling
tendency
 is better than face-to-face. I will claim that the upsides of using social
media
 do not
outwiegh
Correct your spelling
outweigh
 the downsides. The use of social
media
 may bring two benefits in
this
 century.
Firstly
, it is fast to update new information from social
media
.
For example
,
people
 like to share pictures with
friends
 when they go
to
Change preposition
on
show examples
 a trip. They do not need to show
thier
Correct your spelling
their
picture
Fix the agreement mistake
pictures
show examples
 face-to-face and their
friends
 can get the pictures
immedicately
Correct your spelling
immediately
.
Moreover
, it is easy to make new
friends
 on
the
Correct article usage
apply
show examples
social
media
,
such
 as Facebook. There are many groups on Facebook and
people
 can join
its
Change the pronoun
it
show examples
 to meet new
friends
 from different countries. Regardless of the benefits above, using social
media
 to contact
with
Change preposition
apply
show examples
people
 should be more carefully considered.
To begin
 with,
people
 will be easy to forget how to type the
words
 of their language correctly. In recent years, there
are
Wrong verb form
have been
show examples
 many online
words
 to use
in
Change preposition
on
show examples
 the internet. Especially, young
people
 like to shorten
words
 and
this
 action makes them
to
Change the verb form
apply
show examples
forget how to spell correct
words
.
In addition
, using social
media
 always mistakes for
people
's emotions. When
people
 read the text, they could not differentiate between happiness and sadness. Sometimes, it is easy to make a mistake
while
 replying.
To sum up
,
people
 could surely benefit from using social
media
 becoming more convenient.
However
, using social
media
 makes
people
 forget to spell
words
 and
could not
Wrong verb form
cannot
show examples
 realize others feeling
while
 reading the text.
Submitted by pobbywang on

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Task Achievement
While the essay attempts an argument, the position taken is not always clear, and the introduction does not sufficiently present the topic or the writer's stance. Work on crafting a concise and clear thesis statement that clearly presents your position.
Coherence & Cohesion
Ensure that both the introduction and conclusion effectively set up and summarize the essay's main points, allowing the reader to clearly understand the argument being made.
Task Achievement
The main points lack full support and development; examples are relevant but could be further expanded upon with detailed explanation and evidence to strengthen the argument.
Coherence & Cohesion
Improve the logical flow between ideas with better use of linking words and cohesive devices. Aim for a more organized structure where each paragraph transitions smoothly to the next.

Use a variety of complex and simple sentences

You should use complex sentences in your writing, but it does not mean that you should try to make all of our sentences complex.

‘Complex’ sentences are not actually very complex; they are just two or more simple sentences put together. Putting them together makes the essay more coherent and cohesive.

Examples:

I really want to study but I’m too tired.

I wore a warm coat because the weather was cold.

If action is not taken soon on climate change, global warming will get worse.

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