IELTS Writing Correction Service
Writing Samples
Band 5

Many people believe that schools should teach students good behavior as well as other subjects. To what extent do you agree or disagree with this statement?

#people #schools #students #behavior #subjects
✨ Do you want to improve your IELTS writing?
It is a
well known
Add a hyphen
well-known
show examples
 fact that our schools play a vital role
to shape
Change preposition
in shaping
show examples
 our
career
Fix the agreement mistake
careers
show examples
, but the question remains : do they carry
additional
Add an article
the additional
show examples
 responsibility of fostering productive behavioral tendencies among students ? I completely agree with
this
Linking Words
 statement and in
this
Linking Words
essay
Add a comma
essay,
show examples
 I will support my opinion with examples. Students spend their considerable
time
Use synonyms
 of the day in
the
Correct article usage
apply
show examples
school so understandably
parents
Use synonyms
 don't have
time
Use synonyms
 to teach their children about good
habit
Fix the agreement mistake
habits
show examples
. Take
an
Correct article usage
the
show examples
 example of working
parents
Use synonyms
.
In addition
Linking Words
 to their jobs, they
also
Linking Words
 spend significant
time
Use synonyms
 in meal preparations, helping the young ones with schoolwork and running other errands. If schools did not teach social skills, we would not accomplish the goal of a civilized society. Another factor why government institutes should teach is because a school's atmosphere is
environmentally-optimized
Correct your spelling
environmentally optimised
show examples
 to cultivate positive personality traits in learners. To illustrate, a student can not learn about the importance of collaborative effort, teamwork and discipline without engaging in group projects or Team sports.
In other words
Linking Words
, the schools could immensely contribute
in
Change preposition
to
show examples
developimg
Correct your spelling
developing
 these attributes if they encourage group sports and activities. With that being said,
Use synonyms
parents
Change noun form
parents'
parent's
show examples
 role cannot be overlooked. To exemplify, by virtue of limiting the screen
time
Use synonyms
which
Correct word choice
that
show examples
 children spend
while
Linking Words
 playing video games and chatting
friends
Change preposition
with friends
show examples
,
development
Correct article usage
the development
show examples
 of
an
Remove the article
apply
show examples
addictive behaviour can be prevented. In conclusion,
while
Linking Words
 a school's environment is more
conduive
Correct your spelling
conducive
 to
learn
Wrong verb form
learning
show examples
 collaboration, it is
also
Linking Words
a
Correct article usage
the
show examples
 responsibility of teachers to teach good regimen because
parents
Use synonyms
 do not have adequate
time
Use synonyms
 after their work.
However
Linking Words
,
parents
Use synonyms
 should not take
feet
Correct pronoun usage
their feet
show examples
 off the pedal in order to augment their children's social skills and personality.
Submitted by rohit.narad90 on

Unauthorized use and/or duplication of this material without express and written permission from this site’s author and/or owner is strictly prohibited. Excerpts and links may be used, provided that full and clear credit is given to Writing9 with appropriate and specific direction to the original content.

coherence cohesion
Your essay has a clear introduction and conclusion, which is commendable. However, the logical flow between paragraphs and points needs improvement. Ensure that each paragraph seamlessly transitions to the next, with appropriate use of connective words and topic sentences.
task achievement
You addressed the topic quite well and provided a clear response to the task with a definitive opinion. However, your ideas could be better developed and more fully supported with a wider range of relevant examples. Aim for a more in-depth analysis of your arguments.

Fully explain your ideas

To get an excellent score in the IELTS Task 2 writing section, one of the easiest and most effective tips is structuring your writing in the most solid format. A great argument essay structure may be divided to four paragraphs, in which comprises of four sentences (excluding the conclusion paragraph, which comprises of three sentences).

For we to consider an essay structure a great one, it should be looking like this:

  • Paragraph 1 - Introduction
    • Sentence 1 - Background statement
    • Sentence 2 - Detailed background statement
    • Sentence 3 - Thesis
    • Sentence 4 - Outline sentence
  • Paragraph 2 - First supporting paragraph
    • Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
    • Sentence 2 - Example
    • Sentence 3 - Discussion
    • Sentence 4 - Conclusion
  • Paragraph 3 - Second supporting paragraph
    • Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
    • Sentence 2 - Example
    • Sentence 3 - Discussion
    • Sentence 4 - Conclusion
  • Paragraph 4 - Conclusion
    • Sentence 1 - Summary
    • Sentence 2 - Restatement of thesis
    • Sentence 3 - Prediction or recommendation

Our recommended essay structure above comprises of fifteen (15) sentences, which will make your essay approximately 250 to 275 words.

Discover more tips in The Ultimate Guide to Get a Target Band Score of 7+ »— a book that's free for 🚀 Premium users.

What to do next:
Look at other essays: