IELTS Writing Correction Service /
Writing Samples /
Band 4.5

At the present time, the population of some countries includes a relatively large number of young adults, compared with the number of older people. Do the advantages of this situation outweigh the disadvantages?

#time #population #countries #adults #people #situation
It is argued that nowadays there are more young adults than
eldery
Correct your spelling
elderly
older
people
 in some nations.
This
 essay will argue that
although
 there will be a growth in the country's economy, more
people
 will be unemployed,
this
Correct pronoun usage
which
show examples
 means that the advantages do not outweigh the drawbacks. The main advantage of
this
 situation is that there will be
a
Remove the article
apply
show examples
economic growth.
This
 is because young
people
 are more productive, so they can do things quicker and more effectively.
Also
, because of the continuous change in
the
Correct article usage
apply
show examples
trends and technology, young
people
 are able to adapt better, since they have grown up surrounded by technology, having more original ideas, for the companies.
For example
, many video games and updates
in
Change preposition
on
show examples
computer
Fix the agreement mistake
computers
show examples
 and phones are done by
the
Correct article usage
apply
show examples
young
people
, since they know what
people
 are looking for.
However
, I believe that
people
from
Change preposition
of
show examples
 all ages contribute to
the
Correct article usage
apply
show examples
economic growth. The key drawback is that it causes an increase in the unemployment rate. The reason
of
Change preposition
for
show examples
this
,
Remove the comma
apply
show examples
 is that the number of
people
 looking for a job increases, but the number of job offers might not increase, causing more competition in the market.
Also
, because
of
Change preposition
apply
show examples
there are more
people
 looking for
job
Fix the agreement mistake
jobs
show examples
, companies will reduce the salary offered, so they can decrease their expenses, since there will be
people
 that are willing to work even with a low salary.
This
causes that
Verb problem
means
show examples
 there will be more
people
 without work and more
people
 suffering from hunger.
For instance
, in China, salaries are very low, because there is high competition,
this
 causes
that
Correct word choice
apply
show examples
many
family
Change to a plural noun
families
show examples
 have difficulties, as they do not have enough money
for
Change preposition
to
show examples
 maintain their family. In my
opinon
Correct your spelling
opinion
, I think that there are too many
people
 suffering from hunger and poverty, which can cost their lives. In conclusion,
although
 the economy of a country can get better because of the increasing number of young individuals, the unemployment rate
also
 increases, so the benefits do not outnumber the drawbacks.
Submitted by elenazheng1211 on

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coherence cohesion
Your essay structure show a logical progression overall, but there's room to create clearer links between your main ideas and examples. It is important to ensure that each paragraph flows seamlessly to the next with the help of cohesive devices and clear topic sentences.
coherence cohesion
The introduction and conclusion are present, but the thesis could be more explicit, and the conclusion could be strengthened by summarizing the key points more effectively. Aim for a more impactful opening and closing that frame your essay clearly.
coherence cohesion
You have attempted to support your main points with examples, but the relevance and development of these examples are limited. Ensure that each main point is illustrated with a specific, detailed example that directly supports your argument.
task achievement
While you have somewhat addressed the task, there is a tendency to provide a generic discussion rather than an in-depth examination of the topic. The prompt demands a balanced consideration of both advantages and disadvantages with a clear position. Be sure to fully explore and address each side to meet the requirements of the task.
task achievement
The ideas presented are clear but could be further developed to show a comprehensive understanding of the topic. Work on expanding your ideas with more detailed explanation and analysis, rather than just stating them.
task achievement
Your examples are relevant but not specific enough to convincingly support your argument. Aim for concrete, detailed evidence that enhances the reader's understanding of your viewpoint and strengthens your overall argument.

Include an introduction and conclusion

A conclusion is essential for IELTS writing task 2. It is more important than most people realise. You will be penalised for missing a conclusion in your IELTS essay.

The easiest paragraph to write in an essay is the conclusion paragraph. This is because the paragraph mostly contains information that has already been presented in the essay – it is just the repetition of some information written in the introduction paragraph and supporting paragraphs.

The conclusion paragraph only has 3 sentences:

  • Summary
  • Restatement of thesis
  • Prediction or recommendation

Example:

To summarize, a robotic teacher does not have the necessary disciple to properly give instructions to students and actually works to retard the ability of a student to comprehend new lessons. Therefore, it is clear that the idea of running a classroom completely by a machine cannot be supported. After thorough analysis on this subject, it is predicted that the adverse effects of the debate over technology-driven teaching will always be greater than the positive effects, and because of this, classroom teachers will never be substituted for technology.

Start your conclusion with a linking phrase. Here are some examples:

  • In conclusion
  • To conclude
  • To summarize
  • Finally
  • In a nutshell
  • In general

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Topic Vocabulary:
  • demographic
  • workforce
  • productivity
  • innovation
  • skilled labor
  • social development
  • technology
  • dividend
  • competition
  • resources
  • social welfare
  • unrest
  • instability
  • healthcare
  • elderly care
What to do next:
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