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Band 7

The pie chart below compare the water usage in San Diego, Carniforlia, and the rest of the world

The pie chart below compare the water usage in San Diego, Carniforlia, and the rest of the world
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The pie charts provide information about the proportion of
water
Use synonyms
 usage in three different sectors (residential, industry,
agriculture
Correct word choice
and agriculture
show examples
) of
San
Use synonyms
Diego
Use synonyms
 County,
California
Use synonyms
 and the
rest
Use synonyms
 of the
world
Use synonyms
.
Overall
Linking Words
, it can be clearly seen that
water
Use synonyms
 is most used for residential and industry in
San
Use synonyms
Diego
Use synonyms
 and
California
Use synonyms
. Meanwhile, in the
rest
Use synonyms
 of the
world
Use synonyms
, agriculture is the sector that uses the most
water
Use synonyms
.
According to
Linking Words
 the charts,
water
Use synonyms
 used for residential purposes in
San
Use synonyms
Diego
Use synonyms
 accounts for more than half, 60%,
while
Linking Words
 the figures for
California
Use synonyms
 and
remaining
Correct article usage
the remaining
show examples
 countries in the
world
Use synonyms
 are lower, 39% and 8%, respectively.
In contrast
Linking Words
, the number of
water
Use synonyms
 used for agriculture in the
rest
Use synonyms
 of the
world
Use synonyms
 accounts for the highest proportion, 69%,
while
Linking Words
 the figure for
San
Use synonyms
Diego
Use synonyms
 and
California
Use synonyms
 is just about 17% and 28%, respectively.
However
Linking Words
, with
regards
Fix the agreement mistake
regard
show examples
 to industry,
California
Use synonyms
 uses the most
water
Use synonyms
. Meanwhile, both
San
Use synonyms
Diego
Use synonyms
 and the
rest
Use synonyms
 of the
world
Use synonyms
 make up 23%.

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Sentences: Add more complex sentences.
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Linking words: Don't use the same linking words: "while".
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Vocabulary: Replace the words water, san, diego, california, rest, world with synonyms.
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Vocabulary: The word "charts" was used 2 times.
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Vocabulary: The word "figures" was used 2 times.
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Vocabulary: The word "proportion" was used 2 times.
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Vocabulary: The word "about" was used 2 times.
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Vocabulary: Use several vocabularies to present the data in the second paragraph.
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