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Writing Samples
Band 4

In some cultures, children are often told that they can achieve anything if they try hard enough. What are the advantages and disadvantages of giving children this message?

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In the contemporary world, thinking
ptern
Correct your spelling
patterns
 may vary in different people. In some communities
advice
Replace the word
advise
show examples
 to their young generation to, if their
dedicaton
Correct your spelling
dedication
 is hard enough, they may able to achieve better success. I believe
,
Remove the comma
apply
show examples
this
Linking Words
 statement has several
benifits
Correct your spelling
benefits
to
Change preposition
for
show examples
 children.
This
Linking Words
 essay
would
Wrong verb form
will
show examples
 discuss what are the strengths and
weeknesses
Correct your spelling
weaknesses
 in the mentioned statement in detail. On the one hand, society has
been
Unnecessary verb
apply
show examples
changed in the
last
Linking Words
 decade.
Therefore
Linking Words
,
a
Correct article usage
apply
show examples
substantial dedication is required to accomplish a particular task
due to
Linking Words
 the competition.
hence
Linking Words
, parents are always tried to move their children forward with hard
work
Use synonyms
 and motivation.
For example
Linking Words
, in Sri Lanka, the education system is very competitive.
Thus
Linking Words
, considerable hard
work
Use synonyms
 is required to be a
sucessful
Correct your spelling
successful
student
Use synonyms
.
Further
Linking Words
, if some
student
Use synonyms
 has a goal to enter
to
Change preposition
apply
show examples
the medical
collage
Correct your spelling
college
show examples
. the person needs to do a number of hard studies.
Accordingly
Linking Words
.
the
Correct article usage
apply
show examples
hard
work
Use synonyms
 always
provide
Change the verb form
provides
show examples
Correct article usage
a benifit
show examples
benifit
Correct your spelling
benefit
benefits
 to
become
Wrong verb form
becoming
show examples
 a successful person in society.
On the other hand
Linking Words
, in the sports field, it is obvious,
the
Correct determiner usage
that
show examples
 solid
practiceses
Correct your spelling
practice
are
Correct subject-verb agreement
is
show examples
 needed to become a winner in
the
Correct article usage
a
show examples
 particular
sports
Fix the agreement mistake
sport
show examples
. Owing to that students
are
Unnecessary verb
apply
show examples
often require strong practice every day.
For instance
Linking Words
,
Use synonyms
Add an article
a student
the student
show examples
student
Fix the agreement mistake
students
show examples
 who
are engage
Change the verb form
are engaged
show examples
 in
swimmimg
Correct your spelling
swimming
,
they
Correct pronoun usage
apply
show examples
need more than 5 hours
exercise
Change preposition
of exercise
show examples
 per day. Unlike
to
Change preposition
apply
show examples
other sports, swimming is a
tuff
Correct word choice
tough
show examples
 sport which involves
Correct article usage
the hole
show examples
hole
Correct your spelling
whole
show examples
 body of
Correct article usage
a sportman
show examples
sportman
Correct your spelling
sportsman
sportsmen
. In
this
Linking Words
 scenario,
this
Linking Words
 type of hard
work
Use synonyms
 may
leads
Change the verb form
lead
show examples
 to physical and
mental
Change the adjective
mentally
show examples
 unwell.
Due to
Linking Words
this
Linking Words
 circumstance, hard
working
Replace the word
work
show examples
 does not allow advantage always, it has a negative impact too.
To conclude
Linking Words
,
eventhough
Correct your spelling
even though
 some
society
Fix the agreement mistake
societies
show examples
considered
Wrong verb form
consider
show examples
 hard
work
Use synonyms
has
Change the verb form
to have
show examples
 a dark side, it drives children in many
benificial
Correct your spelling
beneficial
 ways. Despite the weakness of hard
working
Replace the word
work
show examples
. I trust that it provides
a
Correct article usage
apply
show examples
various
improvement
Fix the agreement mistake
improvements
show examples
 in
student
Use synonyms
 life. Hard
work
Use synonyms
 directed them to
becomea
Correct your spelling
become a
become
hero
Fix the agreement mistake
heroes
show examples
 in the world.

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coherence cohesion
Ensure introduction includes a clear thesis statement that directly addresses the advantages and disadvantages of the message given to children.
coherence cohesion
Use paragraphing appropriately to separate your ideas, making sure each paragraph has a clear central topic.
coherence cohesion
Support your main points with specific examples and clear explanations. Avoid general statements without clear support.
task achievement
Fully address the task by discussing both advantages and disadvantages equally. The essay should balance both sides of the argument to meet the response requirements.
task achievement
Provide a clear conclusion that summarises the main points discussed in the essay and clearly states your position.
task achievement
Utilize a wider range of vocabulary to articulate ideas more precisely and avoid repetition of words and phrases.
Topic Vocabulary:
  • achieve
  • try hard
  • positive mindset
  • self-belief
  • motivates
  • ambitious goals
  • resilience
  • determination
  • confidence
  • self-esteem
  • growth mindset
  • unrealistic expectations
  • disappointment
  • failure
  • effort
  • hard work
  • seek support
  • individual differences
  • abilities
  • capabilities
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