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Writing Samples /
Band 7

Many young people today know more about international pop and movie stars than famous people in the history in their country. Why is this? What can be done to increase young people's interest in famous people in the history of their country?

#people #pop #movie #stars #history #country #interest
Nowadays, youngsters tend to show more interest in international celebrities than in historical figures in their nation.
This
 essay,
therefore
, aims to present why
this
 trend is rampant and what measures can be adopted to increase the youth’s interest in historical personalities. There are several reasons why the young nowadays are more familiar with foreign superstars than local ones from their country’s
history
.
Firstly
, social
media
 is to blame. With the advent of social networking applications
such
 as Facebook, Instagram, and WeChat, it is common that famous people’s lives are everywhere, grabbing young people’s attention. Many teenagers mostly spend their time surfing the Internet, looking at posts or articles about international pop idols, their vacations, their wardrobes, etc.
Secondly
, most youngsters deem
history
 as boring.
History
 is tedious to learn because they are required to read long stories and memorize heroes’ names, so even their teachers fail to make
history
 lessons interesting. Thankfully, a multitude of solutions can be applied to maintain the young populace’s interest in historical people. Mainly, the filmmakers, especially local ones, should produce more movies based on key historical events or national heroes. By doing so, the young people will draw attention to
history
, especially when the actors portraying the heroes or reenacting the historical events in the movies are their idols.
In addition
, it is about time for schools to restructure their curriculum.
History
 teaching should be tailored
according to
 students’ interests. Rote learning,
that is
, memorizing long lists of heroes’ names or dates of events, must be discouraged. Alternatively, teachers should use modern
media
 to create more appealing
history
 lessons. In conclusion,
although
 youngsters rarely pay attention to historical personalities
due to
 social
media
 and dull
history
 subjects,
this
 can be dealt with through concerted efforts from the
media
 and schools.
Submitted by xiaoruoling7 on

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coherence cohesion
The essay has a clear introduction and conclusion, which demonstrates an understanding of the essay structure. However, more attention to the logical flow between paragraphs could strengthen coherence.
coherence cohesion
The main points are supported, but could be enhanced by incorporating a wider range of specific examples and pertinent details to vividly illustrate the arguments.
task achievement
You have addressed the task and provided clear ideas related to the prompt. Nonetheless, strive to create a more complete response with diverse and intricate ideas that thoroughly explore all parts of the task.
task achievement
While relevant examples are present, they could be more specific and detailed. This would serve to better demonstrate the points made and provide a more in-depth analysis of the topic.

Support ideas with relevant, specific examples

Examples make your writing easier to understand by illustrating points more effectively.

Examples, if used properly, not only help you get higher marks for ‘Task Response’ but also for ‘Coherence’.

When giving examples it is best to put them after your main idea or topic sentence. They can be used in the middle of supporting sentences or they can be used to start a new sentence. There is no rule for where exactly to give examples in essays, logically they would come after your main idea/topic sentence or just after a supporting sentence.

Linking words for giving examples:

  • for example
  • for instance
  • to illustrate this
  • to give a clear example
  • such as
  • namely
  • to illustrate
  • take, for example

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