Nowadays many people choose to be self-employed, rather than to work for a company or organisation. Why might this be the case? What could be the disadvantages of being self-employed?
Researchers mentioned that
people
spend more than one-third of their life working. While
most people
aspired to be employees
, in the
recent years many Correct article usage
apply
choose
to work for themselves. Wrong verb form
have chosen
This
essay will delve into the underlying reason and layout
its disadvantages.
Freedom is one of the unique selling points Correct your spelling
lay out
by
becoming an entrepreneur. Working for ourselves means that we can manage our time, resources and goals. Local business owners, Change preposition
of
for instance
, can determine time
to start and stop working without seeking Add an article
the time
a time
for
any approvals. Change preposition
apply
In contrast
, vacations taken by workers are subject to approval from their lead
and negotiation with their coworkers. Replace the word
leader
Thus
, entrepreneurship is favoured by most of the populations
nowadays.
Fix the agreement mistake
population
However
, the negative sides of being one are financial uncertainty and the emerges
of mental health Replace the word
emergence
issue
. Despite Fix the agreement mistake
issues
of
the Change preposition
apply
company
performance, Change noun form
company's
employees
will acquire approximately the same amount of money monthly in the form of salary. On the other hand
, it is not the case for the
business owners, the sales of the company will govern their incomes. Correct article usage
apply
Additionally
, the owners of the business tend to possess a workaholic mindset (excessive working behaviour), which reduce
work-life balance and Correct subject-verb agreement
reduces
impacting
their mental health. Wrong verb form
impacts
Whereas
,
Remove the comma
apply
employees
only take care of their well-beings
, the bosses usually need to ensure not only their own but Correct your spelling
well-being
also
their employees
. Drawbacks of this
occupation usually discourage people
from becoming one regardless of the benefit
.
In conclusion, Fix the agreement mistake
benefits
people
are intrigued to pursue self-employment because of the freedom it offered
. Wrong verb form
offers
On the other hand
, there are several downsides such
as uncertain earnings and potential mental breakdown.Submitted by ru.kabiru.biru on
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coherence cohesion
The essay demonstrates an overall logical structure, but there are inconsistencies in the flow of information. Sentences should connect more seamlessly, so consider using cohesive devices more effectively.
coherence cohesion
While the introduction and conclusion are present, both could be strengthened by explicitly stating the main points of the discussion and ensuring they are directly addressed in the conclusion.
coherence cohesion
Main points are generally supported; however, expanding on ideas with detailed examples and explanations could further enhance coherence. Avoid general statements without clear support.
task achievement
The response addresses the task, covering reasons for self-employment and its disadvantages. However, the depth of response is limited. More development of ideas could be achieved with a greater range of vocabulary and sentence complexity.
task achievement
While the essay conveys ideas, further development and expansion of these ideas would enhance clarity and comprehension. This can be achieved by providing more detailed explanations and examples that directly relate to the question.
task achievement
Relevant examples are provided, but they are generic. Specificity in examples would enrich the essay and provide a stronger argument. Aim to include concrete data or anecdotes to illustrate points more compellingly.
Support ideas with relevant, specific examples
Examples make your writing easier to understand by illustrating points more effectively.
Examples, if used properly, not only help you get higher marks for ‘Task Response’ but also for ‘Coherence’.
When giving examples it is best to put them after your main idea or topic sentence. They can be used in the middle of supporting sentences or they can be used to start a new sentence. There is no rule for where exactly to give examples in essays, logically they would come after your main idea/topic sentence or just after a supporting sentence.
Linking words for giving examples:
- for example
- for instance
- to illustrate this
- to give a clear example
- such as
- namely
- to illustrate
- take, for example
Essentional vocabulary list for IELTS Writing 7+
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