IELTS Writing Correction Service
Writing Samples
Band 7

In recent years, many small local shops have closed because customer travels to large shopping center and mall to do shopping. Is it a positive or negative development?

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Nowadays, people prefer to go to a large shopping centre to buy their necessities.
This
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 condition makes many small local shops have closed. It brings a negative situation for citizens
due to
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 disturbing their revenue. would give both opinions about the negative and positive sides of
this
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 development. There are a lot of purposes why communities choose to go to a mall.
Firstly
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, a shopping centre provides many goods,
such
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 as daily or primary needs, secondary needs, and fun things that can be done. A place offers anything.
Secondly
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, it saves more time for the public because they can go from one store to another
according to
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 the things they want to buy.
In addition
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, sometimes the price provided by a Department Store is similar to the local shop. The condition increases the number of people who come to the Mall. People now prefer to buy everything in a big supermarket than go to one-by-one shops to buy their necessities.
On the other hand
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, there are several negative impacts that occur from
this
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 improvement. Local Stores are no longer attractive to society because they only provide certain goods. The lifestyle of buying in a mall has become a trend among communities in a city. It makes many local stores have closed.
Moreover
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, their business is the one and only income for their lives.
This
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 bad condition results in an economic decline in society in a big town.
However
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, in a small area or villages, the local business is still alive
due to
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 the distance to the city. In conclusion, the world is not a fair place. For some, it may be appealing but for others, it may seem unfortunate. You cannot choose both sides of the coin and everyone should adapt to the changes society has to offer in
this
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 fast-moving world.

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task achievement
Your introduction provides a clear overview of the topic and presents a thesis statement. However, consider rephrasing some sentences to improve clarity and flow. For example, instead of 'makes many small local shops have closed,' saying 'has led to the closure of many small local shops' would be more fluid.
coherence and cohesion
In your body paragraphs, make sure to clearly differentiate between the benefits and drawbacks of the development using linking phrases. This will enhance the logical flow of your arguments and help the reader follow your reasoning more easily.
task achievement
Within your negative impacts section, you mention the closure of local stores but could benefit from providing more detailed examples or statistics to support your claims. This would strengthen your argument and provide deeper insight into the issue.
coherence and cohesion
The conclusion could be further developed to reflect on the implications of your arguments and reiterate the importance of acknowledging both sides rather than making a definitive statement. This would lead to a more robust closing argument.
task achievement
Your essay effectively presents both positive and negative aspects of the topic, demonstrating an understanding of the complexity of the issue.
coherence and cohesion
You have used some good transitional phrases, such as 'On the other hand,' which aid in the flow of your essay.

Support ideas with relevant, specific examples

Examples make your writing easier to understand by illustrating points more effectively.

Examples, if used properly, not only help you get higher marks for ‘Task Response’ but also for ‘Coherence’.

When giving examples it is best to put them after your main idea or topic sentence. They can be used in the middle of supporting sentences or they can be used to start a new sentence. There is no rule for where exactly to give examples in essays, logically they would come after your main idea/topic sentence or just after a supporting sentence.

Linking words for giving examples:

  • for example
  • for instance
  • to illustrate this
  • to give a clear example
  • such as
  • namely
  • to illustrate
  • take, for example

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