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Band 5

Some people today prefevisit a doctor. Why is this? Is this a positive or a negative development?r to get advice for medical problems and do not want to

#people #prefevisit #doctor #development #r #advice
Our current world is becoming more advanced than in earlier days and
this
 is reflected in many sectors including healthcare. Unlike previous days we don't need to worry about medical
attention
 and it's readily available to
people
.
Therefore
,
people
 seek medical
attention
 even for minor
issues
. But
this
 can be either good or bad because, sometimes some
issues
 don't need immediate
attention
 and it can be cured by a simple solution at
home
.
However
, the reason most
people
 seek hospital when it can cure on their own is because they worry about unnecessary things
such
 as, it could be
a deadly
Correct the article-noun agreement
a deadly issue
deadly issues
show examples
issues
 or will cause future health
issues
. The main reason for
this
 kind of thought is nowadays, we know lots of things about diseases and their symptoms and
this
 makes us even more anxious than the actual problems.
These information
Change the determiner
This information
show examples
 are readily available on the internet and it makes
people
 confused and unwanted
attention
for
Change preposition
to
show examples
 even small problem.
On the other hand
, the new generation
not
Add a missing verb
is not
show examples
much
Rephrase
very
show examples
 fond of our old way treatments
such
 as
home
remedies
 and they only believe in new medicines
thus
,
instead
 of taking basic
remedies
 at
home
 they are going to doctors for advice.
However
, doctors
also
 suggest some
home
remedies
 and
nutrition
Replace the word
nutritious
show examples
 food rather than pills. In conclusion,
people
 tend to seek medical advice for everything because they have too much information about sickness and
that is
 the reason for their behaviour. They can follow some available
remedies
 but they accept them only after doctors approve.
Submitted by n_wara11 on

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coherence cohesion
The essay has a basic structure, yet it can be significantly improved by developing a more coherent introduction and conclusion. Ensure that the introduction clearly states the topics being discussed, and that the conclusion succinctly summarizes the main points made throughout the essay. Moreover, consider transitioning between paragraphs more smoothly to enhance readability and cohesion.
task achievement
While the essay addresses the topic, it fails to fully develop a clear argument or rationale for the behaviors mentioned. For a higher score, expand on the reasons why people prefer to seek medical advice, providing more depth and specific examples to support each point. Additionally, try to offer a balanced view by discussing both positive and negative developments related to this trend.

Fully explain your ideas

To get an excellent score in the IELTS Task 2 writing section, one of the easiest and most effective tips is structuring your writing in the most solid format. A great argument essay structure may be divided to four paragraphs, in which comprises of four sentences (excluding the conclusion paragraph, which comprises of three sentences).

For we to consider an essay structure a great one, it should be looking like this:

  • Paragraph 1 - Introduction
    • Sentence 1 - Background statement
    • Sentence 2 - Detailed background statement
    • Sentence 3 - Thesis
    • Sentence 4 - Outline sentence
  • Paragraph 2 - First supporting paragraph
    • Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
    • Sentence 2 - Example
    • Sentence 3 - Discussion
    • Sentence 4 - Conclusion
  • Paragraph 3 - Second supporting paragraph
    • Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
    • Sentence 2 - Example
    • Sentence 3 - Discussion
    • Sentence 4 - Conclusion
  • Paragraph 4 - Conclusion
    • Sentence 1 - Summary
    • Sentence 2 - Restatement of thesis
    • Sentence 3 - Prediction or recommendation

Our recommended essay structure above comprises of fifteen (15) sentences, which will make your essay approximately 250 to 275 words.

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