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Band 5

Young people say that travelling to different countries benefits them and the society. Do you agree or disagree. Give your opinion.

#people #countries #society
Travelling among young adults is increasing on and on for many reasons either for tourism, work, or studying. Youth claim that travelling can have personal and societal benefits. In
this
 essay, I am going to shed some light on why I
courage
Verb problem
encourage
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 the youth to travel abroad.
Firstly
, The main reason why I agree that teenagers should try and travel abroad is to enhance their personality and get to know more about foreign cultures.
This
 experience will help them get out of their comfort zone and give them some sense of
responsibility
. To illustrate, when my brother finished high school he decided to go
Germany
Change preposition
to Germany
show examples
 and get his
bachelors
Change noun form
bachelor's
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 degree, he said that
this
 stage of his life
tought
Correct your spelling
taught
 him to hold
the
Correct article usage
apply
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responsibility
 and find a part-time job to help him financially.
This
 kind of
responsibility
 changed his personality
to
Change preposition
for
show examples
better
Correct article usage
the better
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.
Secondly
, the second main reason for travelling abroad is to help the society. Some developing countries lack the technology and knowledge that developed countries have.
For example
, in the 1950s Singapore was a poor country. Their leader
took
Verb problem
made
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 a decision to invest in the power of the youth. The president sent over 60 thousand undergraduates to
USA
Correct article usage
the USA
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 and Europe in order to get the knowledge
the
Correct your spelling
they
show examples
 have.
And
Correct word choice
After
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 doing
this
 process for over 50 years, Singapore now is one of the most developed countries in the world. In conclusion, I agree that young people should travel abroad to benefit them personally like character development
and
Correct word choice
apply
show examples
give them
sense
Add an article
a sense
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 of
responsibility
, and benefit
the
Correct article usage
apply
show examples
society
like
Change preposition
by
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 bringing knowledge and technology to the country.
Submitted by osama2010b on

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task achievement
Ensure that your introduction clearly presents the topic and your viewpoint. It is important to paraphrase the prompt effectively to show that you fully understand the question.
task achievement
For a higher score, you need to develop your main points more fully. Your ideas should be explained more comprehensively with clear links between them.
coherence cohesion
Your essay exhibits a satisfactory logical structure with an adequate introduction and conclusion. However, work on creating a stronger thesis statement and a more impactful conclusion correlating with your viewpoint.
task achievement
Support your ideas with more in-depth examples or evidence, which would strengthen the main points and contribute to a higher score for task achievement.
coherence cohesion
Make use of a wider range of cohesive devices to ensure better flow of ideas, and avoid repetition by using synonyms effectively.

Use a variety of complex and simple sentences

You should use complex sentences in your writing, but it does not mean that you should try to make all of our sentences complex.

‘Complex’ sentences are not actually very complex; they are just two or more simple sentences put together. Putting them together makes the essay more coherent and cohesive.

Examples:

I really want to study but I’m too tired.

I wore a warm coat because the weather was cold.

If action is not taken soon on climate change, global warming will get worse.

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